I'm David Attenborough and here's why Boris Johnson has the animal kingdom’s largest testicles

Lofty credentials, you’ll agree, but I really don’t bestow much significance to my numerous illustrious achievements. Decades spent studying the animal kingdom have long since cooled any hubristic ego which inflates many other homosapiens’ sense of worth. I’m afraid I long ago concluded we’re simply skinbags ferrying DNA, ably navigated by genitals coaxing our limbs towards the spotlight in nature’s surrealistic theatre of procreation.

This natural compulsion to leak our blueprint serves to spawn new life, yes, but the evolutionary gift of orgasm also bestows a temporary amnesia, dulling our personal maladies and momentarily helping us forget the horrifying reality that everything’s pointless because we’re all going to die. Even genuinely special people like me. Not even the 15 species of animal named in my honour will grant me any form of immortality. All biological forms are destined to go extinct – or evolve into something else entirely. Thus, the best legacy we can hope for is that any aliens who visit this planet after we’ve gone discover a good use for plastic straws.

The fact is, all biological forms have an expiration date – even tyrannically dominant, all-powerful entities that may once have seemed inmovably eternal like dinosaurs or Wet Wet Wet. Even today, we see this scientific inevitability being ably illustrated by one particular genus of homosapien, who have for centuries assimilated their compressed perception of reality under the collective hive mindset “Conservative”.

Much like Prethopalpus Attenborough – the highly resilient, self-serving, poisonous and predatory breed of goblin spider that was recently named after me – this species of human will either soon drive itself to extinction or transform into something else entirely. That the deeply unpleasant goblin spider is indigenous only to Queensland is merely coincidental.

Unkind of blue

EVEN Convervatives, who often seem a distant relation to other human species, fall under the genus homosapien – self-aware apes with the gift of elevated consciousness. Yet, many seem unaware that this acute intelligence ultimately bestows those in power with responsibility for the planet’s stewardship. We are still the only species capable of sidestepping the guillotine of natural selection to understand the world around us and determine our own fate.

Still, many of these apes still seem blind to the Marie Curie nurses weeping by the planet’s bedside. In fact, the vast majority seem to be consciously and actively accelerating the date of their extinction event. And certainly, the Conservative subgenus provides the perfect micro study of this macro phenomenon – a tribe currently in the midst of a primitive chest-beating ritual to determine which dominant alpha will hammer in the last nail in their coffin.

Deep, unrepairable tribal factions have torn apart this once mighty hive-mind in recent years, with many aspirant chiefs publicly engaging in open combat for dominance over an increasingly reduced pool of jaded indians. An extinction event is clearly unavoidable. Be warned, however – as this once indomitable force collapses under the weight of itself like a dying star, there is the possibility that an immeasurably dark supermassive black hole will fill the vacuum, emitting an even more assimilative energy that will inevitably suck in all lifeforms too weak to resist its pull.

Yet, if 93 years of anthropological study have taught me anything, it’s that powerful animals are at their most dangerous and unpredictable when dying. And it seems this cornered tribe has done what most biological forms do when facing certain death – evacuated its bowels.

Following this forced exertion, a fibreless fog of fart and fear has cleared to reveal a grotesque pile of collective Tory psychic trauma calling itself “Boris”. This golem seems to embody each and every fundamental prejudice and regressive societal misconception that glued this tribe together in the first place.

The cuddly moniker “Boris” also certainly provides an effective smokescreen for this heinous, pitiless creature as it gets to work distorting reality under the cover of “charisma” to grant his creators a stay of execution.

Great balls of ire

CHOOSING a new dominant alpha has rarely been a smooth process for Conservatives. Not only does their inverted hierarchy require a magnetic north for the tribe to function effectively – sometimes even favouring a matriarchal authority – but their fight for survival is also being challenged by other indigenous island tribes who are unhappy “Boris” will preside over them, fearing chaos as he applies the limited wisdom absorbed from the paper thin spectrum of his privileged life.

They’re not alone in their concerns – there is even doubt within Boris’ own tribe that he can lead effectively – having been dishonourably relieved of his duties in every single previous position of responsibility, unable to reign in his reactionary divide and conquer polemic which often takes the form of verbal attacks and insults loaded with prejudice, fear, hate and intolerance.

So, the question remains, why is an ape who is clearly a destructive, inept runt of his tribe destined to rule? As always, science provides an answer. A new study by the prestigious Royal Society B suggests a biological explanation for Boris’ inexplicable rise – enormous testicles. Now, at the risk of being accused of click-chasing puerility, I’d like to stress I’m a scientist and there is a coldly anthropological reason for raising this assumption. And, if true, the new study might also answer why many members of the Conservative species are so unattractive of mind, body and spirit.

It seems whenever male animals need to assert dominance over rivals who may be physically or mentally superior, their testicles swell in size – with the owner of the largest pair not only providing an intimidating visual for less well-endowed rivals, but also filling the competition’s nostrils with enough pheromones to have it cowering in subservience. After studying mammalian behaviour for 93 years, I can genuinely think of no better explanation for how a ridiculous, jesterish ape like Boris Johnson is confident enough to believe he can be Prime Minster other than him possessing the biggest pair of testicles ever seen in nature.

And finally ...

WITH large testicles a vital element of hierarchical dominance in the animal kingdom, we must note that Royal Society B’s revelatory new study has  also discovered why Boris and other Conservatives who have risen to the very top in life often seem so repulsive physically and mentally.

Through committed study of many test groups, it can now be revealed that enormous testicles usually have unattractive owners – with the larger reproductive glands adorning the groins of less aesthetically-pleasing individuals simply being nature’s way of balancing the playing field.

Biologists carrying out the study suggest the reason for less attractive males having such large appendages is that they need to store up sperm for the few chances they’ll to get to reproduce.

Yet, an unexpected pay-off seems to be the pheromone-influenced subservience of rivals. This is likely the reason Boris often employs the Mona Lisa smirk of a man well aware of the testosterone musk eminating from his groin, silently exuding chemical dominance and winning any debate before a word is spoken. Yet the battle is not yet over, for who knows what lurks in the Y-Fronts of Jeremy Hunt– a man who remembles a toddler’s drawing of Anthony Perkins playing the Night King.