Picture this

SO the picture sharing site Instagram was not working for a few hours yesterday which got people who like to take obsessive numbers of pictures of themselves a bit upset. We liked the reaction of America's Central Intelligence Agency no less, which went on that other social media site Twitter to declare: "Yes, we are affected by Instagram being down too. No, we didn’t cause it. No, we can’t fix yours. Did you try turning it off and back on again?"

Yolks on him

OUR tales of workplace meals reminded retired cop David Russel: "A prankster colleague at the old Craigmillar Police Station in Edinburgh removed an egg intended as part of a night shift fry-up from another cop's container. He then hard-boiled it and replaced it. causing much hilarity when the victim tried to break it into the frying pan.

"The following shift, stifled laughter preceded the poor unfortunate's lea- up to cracking that night's egg, causing him to blurt out: 'You've done it again (several expletives deleted) haven't you?' before throwing it at the wall only to watch all that liquid running down the sides of the mess room."

Crawler

AH the holiday tales are beginning to drift in. A reader on holiday in Torremolinos in Spain heard a Scottish youth in a bar say to a young woman: "I bet I can talk you into taking off your t-shirt." The young woman sneeringly dismissed his wager as extremely unlikely. At that the young lad added: "I've just seen a spider crawl inside it."

Cutting

GROWING old, continued. Says Mary Duncan: "My bowling club friend Margaret was absolutely delighted to get her bus pass. First time using it, not knowing you're supposed to state your destination, she proudly put it on the scanner and waited expectantly. Driver: 'Where are you going?' Margaret: 'I'm going to the hairdresser's.' Driver: 'Yes, but where are you going?' Margaret: 'Well, I'm going to meet my Mum and then I'm going to get my hair cut and...' The driver was trying to be heard above the laughter of the other passengers as he once again asked where she was going."

Priceless

WE asked for your wedding stories and Phyllis Strachan in Milton of Campsie recalls: “The wonderful Rev James Currie whilst minister of Pollok Church many years ago told of the conversation he had with a groom soon to be married, who asked the minister how much he charged to marry him. The Rev Currie replied jocularly, ‘How much do you think your future wife is worth?’ When the groom gave his answer the Rev Currie replied, ‘Ok, but ah’ll gie ye chinge back’.”

Bottoms up

THE new Brexit MEPs staged a strange revolution by turning their backs on the European Parliament's opening session. As James O'Brien remarks: "I would like to apologise for my criticism of Brexit Party MEPs yesterday. By turning their backs on proceedings in Strasbourg they were simply putting the backsides they talk out of in front of their microphones."

Sweet

MEANWHILE in the Tory leadership election, Boris Johnson has hinted at cutting the tax on sugar as it is unfair on poorer folk – so tax cuts for the rich, and more sugar for the poor. Sounds fair. As one reader tells us: "Is cutting the sugar tax the modern equivalent of 'Let them eat cake'?"

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