Just the tonic

JAMES Thomson from Jordanhill was sweating it out in the heat of London at the weekend and tells us: "While waiting for an underground train I noticed on the wall that there was a poster for a leading tonic brand. Its caption was 'If 3/4 of your drink is the mixer, mix with the best." Another traveller was reading this and said in a loud Scottish voice, 'If 3/4 of your drink is the mixer, I’d ****** pour your drink again'."

Didn't buy it

OUR stories about the police reminded reader John Crawford: "Years ago I was stopped by a patrol car on Brockburn Road in Pollok. After the usual question, 'Do you know the speed limit here sir?' which I was well over, I was asked: 'What's the rush?' I said I was late for a meeting with a buyer at Babcock's who was a stickler for punctuality. Said the cop, 'Well sir, if you just show him this ticket, he'll see why you're late today'."

Bowled over

RAISING teenagers, continued. Many will probably have been in the position of Simon Holland, who commented: "One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal."

Sacre bleu

WE mentioned the late racing tipster John McCririck, and a Motherwell reader tells us: "John was never short of a word or three when he was on the telly but I do remember when he was once completely silenced. He was commenting at the Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe in Paris when there was a photo finish. As they were waiting for the result, John heard a bing-bong from the public address system and the announcement: 'Here's the result now'. It was of course given in French and John just stood there open-mouthed as you realised his brain was trying to get round a foreign language."

For kicks

CONGRATULATIONS on the American women's football team winning the World Cup. As American Samantha Ruddy commented: "Man, for a country that doesn’t care about women or soccer, we are bloody amazing at women’s soccer."

Turned to jelly

NIGEL Farage condemning Britain's Ambassador to America for telling the truth about Donald Trump reminds us of when Nigel was being touted as a possible replacement as ambassador. This was greeted by much derision with people debating who would be a better ambassador than Nigel Farage. One suggestion we liked was "A half chewed jelly baby, covered in pencil shavings, at the bottom of a playground bin". However the most inspired suggestion was Hillary Clinton.

READ MORE: 1980: “I’m delighted my old home has been saved for the future”

Star struck

WE asked for your stories about the Moon landing which was 50 years ago this month. Confesses a Hillhead reader: "As a small boy I was allowed to stay up very late to watch it on the telly. I'm embarrassed to admit that after watching the grainy pictures I told my parents that it 'wasn't as good as Star Trek' which I had seen for the first time just a week earlier."

A believer

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from Craig Deeley, who declares: "If you put Shakespeare in a room with a typewriter for an infinite amount of time, he’ll eventually come up with the Monkees’ greatest hits."