WELCOME to a special edition of this column celebrating what is fondly known in newspaper circles as "silly season". The dog days of summer when everyone is jetting off on holiday and proper news grinds to a halt.
Already in recent days we've had a photograph of an Aldi steak that looks uncannily like Russian president Vladimir Putin and a scientific study which has found that a headbanging cockatoo called Snowball knows 14 different dance moves to 1980s classics.
It can only be a matter of time before Nessie pops her head up for the obligatory blurry snapshot and the identity of our future prime minister is prophesied on a piece of burned toast.
What I love most about silly season is the unabashed joy it brings. News pages usually reserved for doom and gloom are filled with raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Not to forget tales of derring-do.
Such as the Glaswegian man who donned copious layers of clothing at Nice airport last week as he sought to avoid excess baggage fees. Talk about a hero for our times.
When John Irvine's suitcase tipped the scales for being too heavy, he wasn't about to cough up extra cash. Rather, the bold John piled on around 15 shirts, according to his son Josh who filmed it.
Once the luggage was safely under the weight limit, next came the hurdle of navigating airport security where John's bulky appearance aroused suspicion. "They told him to take off some tops, and he kept taking them off because they were wondering what he was hiding," said Josh.
READ MORE: Susan Swarbrick: Brexit Party MEP Dr David Bull, a Gucci shell suit and Rio Ferdinand luggage
The disrobing continued until, finally satisfied that John had nothing untoward concealed, he was able to stop shedding layers and allowed to continue on his way, clutching an armful of shirts which he carried on to the plane in a pile. I'm in awe of his gumption.
Pass the map
FRESH on the back of Brexit Party MEP Dr David Bull and his train grumbles about a lack of direct service from Ipswich to the EU Parliament in Strasbourg, there comes more geography-challenged musings.
Contestants on the ITV2 series Love Island have had their eyes opened by a startling revelation: Edinburgh is in Scotland.
Ah, the geography round never goes well on reality TV shows, does it? Think back to 2002, when the late Jade Goody revealed on Channel 4's Big Brother that she believed Cambridge was in London, "East Angular" was somewhere abroad and Rio de Janeiro was a person not a country.
Goody seems gargantuan in intellect compared with the current inhabitants of Love Island who, in a confusing exchange, pondered whether Italy is in Rome or Rome is in Italy.
Having deduced that Rome is the capital of Italy, things went downhill fast as one cast member confidently stated that Barcelona is also in Italy. Which was a surprising twist on the Catalan bid for independence that none of us saw coming.
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Yet, here's the kicker: the joke is on us. Mock geography-bamboozled reality TV stars all you like, but while we're snickering up our sleeves, they will be laughing all the way to the bank.
Reader, I Married Him
EXTREME marriage proposals are all the rage. Big in Russia, apparently. There's a video doing the rounds which shows a man getting down on one knee to ask for his girlfriend's hand in marriage.
Although not before our would-be Romeo had orchestrated a fake hold-up where numerous masked "gunmen" dragged him and the terrified woman from their car.
With his future wife suitably horror-struck – being roughed up and pinned to a bonnet by a weapon-toting chap in a balaclava would do that – our thoughtful Casanova decides that this would be the perfect moment to whip out an engagement ring.
Incredibly, the delighted woman said yes. Nothing like seeing your life flash before your eyes to make salient choices, huh?
Another to go viral was the recent "surprise" engagement of New York-based Instagram influencer Marissa Casey Grossman (nee Fuchs). She was whisked away by her now husband Gabriel on a multi-day, multi-continent scavenger hunt that ended in a proposal and subsequent wedding.
How divinely narcissistic and utterly over the top, I hear you coo? Well, hold that thought. It appears there are those who immediately smelled a rat and allegations have since emerged that the whole social media chronicled adventure was – you guessed it – a meticulously planned marketing event.
The Atlantic shared a "pitch deck" – an itinerary that outlines potential promotional opportunities – sent to various companies, detailing every location the couple would visit and what they would do while they were there, including things Grossman would share on her social media.
READ MORE: Susan Swarbrick: Coma miracles, roast potatoes and selling a 'haunted' house
Grossman has denied that the proposal was sponsored, saying her best friend created the deck as a "guide to creating content" and for "close friends and family to use throughout the engagement".
Close friends, family and a clutch of handpicked high-end brands. Who said romance was dead?
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