WELCOME to Planet Boris everybody. Where the normal rules of political gravity do not apply and where the planetary leader operates on the nitrogen of publicity.

Ahead of the result, a fire safety announcement was made over the tannoy, urging people to know their “escape routes” but, of course, once the numbers were read out by Tory grandee Dame Cheryl Gillan it was clear there was no escape.

While the Back Boris faithful cheered and hooted their approval when the result was read out - 92,153 votes for Mr Johnson compared to 46,656 for challenger Jeremy Hunt - much of the nation emerged slowly from behind the sofa to realise that yes, Boris Alexander de Pfeffel Johnson was now the leader of the Conservative Party, and, of course, Jeremy Bernard Corbyn is still the leader of the Labour Party. How, you may be asking, dear reader, has it come to this?

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After a quick video that zipped through the sayings of past Conservative prime ministers, including Churchill, of course, Macmillan, Douglas Hume, Major, Cameron, May but, most resoundingly, Thatcher, the two Tory nominees stepped forward; the ramrod-straight Hunt followed by the hunched blonde Beatle.

Interestingly, Charles Walker of the 1922 Committee made a gentle plea to his colleagues before the festivities began. “Can we be kinder to the next prime minister than we have been to the current prime minister."

The result, when it came, was of course, never in any doubt. Conservative MPs and Her Majesty’s Media had declared Boris the winner weeks ago. He won by a country mile.

Once the cheering and the hooting from the Boris backers had subsided, the winner took to the stage and observed the first rule of victory: magnanimity.

The new party leader summoned up all the insincerity he could muster to praise Theresa May – who he once accused of “chickening out” of Brexit and leading an “invertebrate” administration – for “her extraordinary service to this party and to this country”. You really did need a heart of stone not to laugh.

To cheers, Boris highlighted the mantra of his campaign: deliver Brexit, unite the country and defeat Jeremy Corbyn.

But he noted: “I know that some wag has already pointed out ‘deliver, unite and defeat’ was not the perfect acronym for an election campaign, since unfortunately it spells dud. But they forgot the final 'e' my friends, 'e' for energise.”

And, clenching his fists, the big B insisted: “I say to all the doubters: ‘Dude, we are going to energise the country. We are going to get Brexit done on October 31. We are going to take advantage of all the opportunities that it will bring in a new spirit of can-do.’”

But he wasn’t finished with his display of panglossian optimism.

“Like some slumbering giant,” he declared, “we are going to rise and ping off the guy ropes of self-doubt and negativity with better education, better infrastructure, more police, fantastic full-fibre broadband sprouting in every household; we are going to unite this amazing country and we are going to take it forward.”

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One beaming Tory emerged from the can-do seminar to be met with a vision of EU flags and chants of “Stop Brexit,” mumbling to himself: “Positivity, positivity, positivity.”

Funny but David Mundell was not spotted among the Tory acolytes in the conference centre but later urged the party to get behind the new leader to deliver Brexit and maintain a strong UK. Remarkably, no mention of Bozza’s no-deal pledge which every one of his Cabinet will have to sign up to.

And to say Ruth Davidson’s reaction was understated would be an understatement. She referred to “Mr Johnson,” said he faced an “enormous task” and her priority was to ensure Boris would “deliver for Scotland within the UK”.

Her remarks came across as not so much a “can-do” spirit but an “oh-my-god-how-am-I-going-to-cope-with-this-disaster” lament.

And so after 40 minutes of Bozza adulation the great and the good of the Tory Party left the auditorium to summon up their own Johnsonite positivity and as they did so, staff at the QEII conference centre prepared for the next event; a gathering of the International Psychoanalytical Society. I kid you not.