Picture this

THE Scottish Greens announced their new co-leaders yesterday with a live video stream which unfortunately kept on breaking down. As their former media office Sean Lafferty commented on their Facebook page: "The Avengers Endgame DVD I bought from the Barras is of a better quality than this stream." Still, it's not often you get the Greens compared to something as exciting as The Avengers.

Has a ring

SAD to hear of the sudden death of Scots golfer Gordon Brand Junior who played for Europe in the Ryder Cup and won eight titles before becoming a regular on the senior circuit. On his first year as a senior he was in a play-off at Slaley Hall when he was put off by a mobile phone ringing and scored an eight on a par three. He couldn't complain too much however – it was his own phone.

Just pants

AFTER our story about the Edinburgh restaurant with rude staff, Margery Dobson recalled: "On my first visit to Amsterdam, at the start of a three-week trip, I discovered after lunch that my wallet had been lifted. The restaurant manager demanded that I leave something as a guarantee that I would return and pay my bill. It was only after I had hoicked my suitcase on to a table, dug into the compartment in the lining for my spare card, paid, and been pointed in the general direction of the cop shop that I realised that I had a three-pack of Tesco knickers priced at the same amount as the bill. Wonder if he would have accepted them as surety?"

Put money on it

THE Government has announced it will put £2 billion aside to offset the effects of a no-deal Brexit. Comments Jamie Ross: "People say Boris Johnson will be a reckless Prime Minister – but here he is making the necessary preparations to offset the risk of Boris Johnson doing something absolutely insane in a few months."

Get a kick

SCOTS football fans are getting excited by the start of the league season this Saturday. We liked the backhanded compliment of the Motherwell fan, musing on the Livingston v Motherwell opener who declared: "'Buzzing for Livi' is a sentence very few folk get the opportunity to say genuinely. Livingston is one of the worst places in the world. But I'm buzzing for Livi."

No kidding

TELEPHONE misunderstandings, continued. Says Andrew Lothian: "I took a call for a work colleague from a company whose name I didn’t quite catch, though they were clearly local to the Edinburgh area. 'Who were they and what did they want?' she enquired. 'Not sure – something about an order for goats’ cheese,' I replied. Calling them back, the phone was indeed answered 'Glentana Goats’ Cheese.'

"After a short conversation, apparently at cross purposes, she came over to tell me it was an airport transfer service with no goats’ cheese on offer. Seems that the receptionist used her best Edinburgh brogue to declare, 'Glentana Coach-ees!'"


YES, we normally eschew lightbulb jokes, but we liked the reader in America who told us: "How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb? Tell him Barack Obama installed it."

Read more: 1988: Charles and Diana view the garden festival from a tram