HELLO sailors, soldiers and steadfast patriots. If you understand these words, it means you speak English. Well done and God bless Her Majesty – a pure-blood ruler with ancestry traceable all the way back to the first multi-cellular lifeforms in the volcanic vents of Olde Albion.

First, I’d like to thank you for possessing the innate curiosity to pick up this paper plane covered in excrement. No doubt you were intrigued by its presence on the outskirts of Belmarsh prison – and delighted to discover the random smears were actually an original work of Yaxley-Tommy Cannon journalism.

I make no apologies for this unconventional form of communication. A traditional ink and paper letter would risk censorship from the corrupt British establishment and press, whose hands are as dirty as yours right now. I believe Prince Andrew is the current target of their toxic lies – that poor man has done nothing but work tirelessly as an ambassador for this country, leaving many people thinking of England all over the world, thoroughly satisfied with his input. 

Everyone knows the eighth in line to the throne is a fine, honourable gentleman of the upmost integrity - who was clearly just using his public status to expose the seedy lifestyles of the global elite’s higher echelons. And who can argue he didn’t do a good job of drawing attention to this global network of perversion? He should get a medal.

Who judges a man by the company he keeps anyway? When I was hired to advise UKIP, the party also took on dog whisperer Mark Meechan as a candidate – the Scotsman who taught his pug to salute when he said “Gas the Jews”. Clearly Mark was just having a laugh, but the corrupt state tried to shut him up by hauling him to court. But like me, he has refused to be silenced. Unlike me, Mark avoided jail – but I assure you, one thing that can’t be hidden away from the public and slapped around by 70-year-old lags is the truth!

As we know, hard right angles solve most of life’s problems. And on this occasion, they formed aerodynamic folds on several sheets of sturdy prison toilet roll – allowing this message to soar like a golden eagle over the exercise yard wall. However, I can’t take all the credit. Like the righteous wind that held our brave boys’ victorious Spitfires aloft over the channel in 1940, this paper plane was carried high over the security perimeter by a muscular English summer breeze.

Perhaps this sweet, potent gust was nature conspiring with divine providence, motivated by some greater power to guide these words into your hands. Just remember to wash them.

Cell phoney message

If you’re still reading, dear loyal patriot, it means the shiny, non-absorbent qualities of prison loo roll have protected my words from the potent English rain, which ably saturates our fertile soil like salty sweat from honest working men’s brows – that is, before their jobs were taken by immigrants.

No doubt my dedication to telling such truths under the continual threat of incarceration reminds you of another famous political prisoner who once languished in a cell. A proud nationalist who spent his time in prison writing about big plans for the future. Someone who led his country to greatness upon being freed. Yes, Nelson Mandela.

And Nelson would agree – the worst thing about being locked up isn’t just the lack of a good British high street Turkish barber to keep the barnet tidy, but the awful food. I like my scran – and if it wouldn’t destroy my chances of winning political asylum in America, I’d seriously consider converting to Islam. Just so I can taste a good old-fashioned British curry again.

Far White House

YOU’LL be aware that days before my latest sentencing hearing, I begged President Trump to save me – not because I’m a coward, but because I feel an affiliation with his patriotic instincts to alert a country to the harmful effects of mass immigration. Everyone knows there’s a big difference between racism and simply wanting to protect your own people from harmful foreign influence!

Liberals say that Trump is not only racist, but is actually the most racist President of all time. But the sole purpose of this excrement-smeared paper plane is to inform you that the opposite is true – all American Presidents have been more racist than Donald Trump has ever been.

Even the revered Ronald Reagan chuckled along with that other great Presidental racist Richard “Blacks can’t run Jamaica” Nixon on a leaked tape, saying “monkeys” in Africa were “still uncomfortable wearing shoes”.

Yet, even Nixon or Reagan weren’t as racist as the so-called “great emancipator” Abraham Lincoln – who said: “I am not, nor ever have been, in favour of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races.” Can’t remember Daniel Day-Lewis saying that in the movie – maybe it’ll make the Director’s Cut.

And although the famed Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence that “all men are created equal”, he also later said that black people had “a very strong and disagreeable odour” and were “incapable of producing art and poetry”. Tell that to billionaire musician and poet Jay Z. I believe he even produced his very own sweet-smelling aftershave too.

It’s also well-known Woodrow Wilson worked hard to keep black people out of Princeton University while serving as that school’s President, and when he became the actual President, the Democrat then refused to reverse the segregation of civil service - despite winning office through the vital support of a number African American colleagues. Then he screened “The Birth of a Nation” at the White House, an openly racist silent movie told from the perceptive of the Ku Klux Klan.

And let’s not forget President Andrew Jackson, who put up $50 for the return of a runaway slave, generously offering $10 extra “for every hundred lashes any person will give him”. And although Democrat Lyndon Johnson supported a new civil rights bill, let’s not forget his foul racist language describing African Americans in private – not even sparing the token black men he appointed to key positions to secure votes from minorities!

Race to the bottom

LET me say I do not believe that Barack Obama was a racist. Yet, if you can judge a man by the company he keeps then it seems Obama might be the biggest racist of them all!

He has certainly admitted listening to the sermons of Rev Jeremiah Wright – who has attacked whites, Jews and America on many occasions. Obama has also complimented Rev Louis Farrakhan and attended his rallies, where anti-Semitic attacks are the norm – with white people branded “blue-eyed devils”.

The former President also invited Rev Al Sharpton to the White House several times. Wonder if Al repeated previous accusations that the world’s problems were down to “diamond merchants” and “bloodsucking Jews” during those conversations in the heart of world’s most powerful and respected political office!

And who did Trump last invite to the White House? None other than Martin Luther King’s niece – who said her uncle would be “proud” and that Trump was “absolutely not a racist”. It seems the only race Donald Trump looks forward to dominating is the 2020 Presidential election!

Killing in the name

The President misspeaking the name of the town where one of those recent shootings happened is a mistake anyone could make – I've been to the USA and these type of places all look and sound the same. Yet, even after he arrived to comfort the survivors, Trump was crucified in the press for soothing an orphaned baby with a reassuring smile. Thankfully, his team were on hand to take lots of photos and footage – which was slickly edited for national broadcast within a few short hours. Clearly just in case the mainstream media tried to claim he never visited at all!

What’s in a name anyway? I go by lots of names – Stephen Christopher Yaxley, Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, Andrew McMaster, Paul Harris, Wayne King, Stephen Lennon and, of course, Tommy Robinson. Why so many? Well, subterfuge, passport fraud and reality distortion aside, you can’t hit a moving target – as those brave boys who risk their lives every day in Afghanistan and Iraq know only too well. Think of them and their sacrifice next time you criticise me.

Running out of excrement now, so if you can still read these fading smears I’ll conclude by saying that when I get out of here and Trump brings me over to America, I might even change my name again. Many patriots in the UK call me the people’s Prince, so I might even change it to an unpronounceable symbol – can you guess which one?