Tale o' the bank

GROWING old, continued. Says John Dunlop: "Getting deaf has it’s amusing moments. Was quite excited about Donald Trump trying to buy Greenock!"

Star turn

OUR column about cruise ship stories reminded Peter Somerville: “My worst experience was on a small cruise ship where after a meal we sat with our new friends in the bar. My wife and sister went over to watch people on the dance floor while my new friend insisted we had a dance. We walked down a spiral staircase leading to the dance floor and were about to let rip when to my horror discovered the evening entertainment had started and I was in the middle of a row of Tiller Girls with top hats and fishnet tights. I walked slowly backwards up the stairs. Throughout the cruise people would say to me, ‘Weren’t you the guy that was on the stage?’”

Work shy

SOME of you might agree with the chap who commented on Tuesday: "Second day back at work after a holiday. The novelty's already worn off to be honest."

Have a butcher's

HORDES of readers, well three, have reminded us of the old, no not old, classic, story, after the yarn about the shopkeeper spinning round when asked for a Twirl, about the butcher's shop encounter. We'll give you Stephen O'Neill's version: "It reminds me of the effeminate chap who wanders into a butcher's on Byres Road and asks if he can have a mince round. The butcher quickly quips, 'Aye, but as long as you don't touch anything'." Think I was in school when I first heard that one, Stephen.

Chickened out

AFTER our story about the underwhelming jokes judged to be the best at the Edinburgh Fridge, a reader muses: “Why did the chicken cross the road? To win the best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival next year.”

Training day

ALSO at the Edinburgh Fringe, actors Sanjeev Kohli and Julie Wilson Nimmo, appearing in Fags, Mags and Bags at the Underbelly, had to catch a much earlier train through from Glasgow as they were guests on Janice Forsyth's show for Radio Scotland. They were explaining when they got there that the daft thing was that Janice lived just down the road from both of them in Glasgow's West End. "So could you not just have done the interview round her kitchen table instead of travelling 40 miles to talk to her?” asked a fellow guest on the programme.

Driving at

OH to be famous... film actor Minnie Driver, of Good Will Hunting fame, showed she is not bothered about such things when she commented on social media this week: "Just saw Chrissy Teigen at the airport. The woman next to me said, 'Do you know who that was!' 'Yes,' I said, 'It was Chrissy Teigan and her husband John Legend'. Don't you love celebrities?' 'Yes,' I said."

Read more: 1971-1981: The Queen and the ‘bears’ of Sullom Voe