AUTHOR Thomas Stewart, talking about his book The Scottish Parliament in its Own Words at the Edinburgh Book Festival, said that when Donald Trump visited the parliament to discuss his golf course planning application, a police officer noticed that Trump's large imposing security guard had a big bulge under his jacket. Fearing he was carrying a handgun, the cop asked him what was under his jacket. The security guard slowly pulled out a large can of Elnett hairspray which he confirmed he would hand to the boss when he was not in public view.

Crossing the line

DONALD Trump of course is in the news for his hissy fit at Denmark refusing to sell him Greenland. An Ayrshire reader tells us that one of the Brexit supporters at his club announced the other night: "If he still wants to buy a country, why doesn't Boris sell him Northern Ireland then we can forget about the backstop?"

Testing time

ALSO in Edinburgh just now is the TV Festival, and we liked Channel 4's head of news Dorothy Byrne's opening to her MacTaggart Lecture when she recalled her invitation: "I was telephoned late on a Friday night a few weeks ago while dancing at the Hebridean Celtic festival in Stornoway. So I realised at once I was your first choice.

"But we old ladies – or even wee old ladies – are not proud. Decades of cervical smears destroy all pride."

Waisting away

A GLASGOW reader heard a young woman in the pub the other night tell her pals: "My boyfriend announced that he wanted to do a bit of modelling. But I told him I didn't think he had the stomach for it."

The Italian Job

DEREK Miller in Torrance tells us: "My son, who is studying at Aberdeen University, was on an uncomfortably-packed early morning bus in the Granite City. A wee five-year-old girl, resplendent in theuniform of the very posh Albyn School, was looking decidedly unhappy about her surroundings. My lad barely stifled his laughter when he overheard her 'Mummy, why can't we take the Maserati? I don't like this?' A kid clearly destined for the finer things in life."


THE Campaign for Real Ale has described the Bridge Inn at Peebles as amongst the best pubs in Britain. We reckon that the pub's rules of welcoming dogs, but not children, will probably make it attractive to a lot more folk than you might imagine.

Glasgow star

TOM Joyes, long-time manager of Glasgow’s legendary Barrowland music venue, was given a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Scottish Bar and Pub Awards this week. Broadcaster Billy Sloan, who presented the award, said an estimated 15 million people have seen gigs at the Barrowland. When David Bowie performed there, and a star fell from the ceiling onto the stage, he had it framed and put on show in his Paris apartment.

Tom did not know he was getting the award and only went along as a favour to Billy who said later that when he handed Tom his award his brief reply was: “Ya b*****d.”

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