THERE’S yet another support advert on TV, for children being bullied. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” a young child repeats as the insults buzz in on his mobile. The child’s repeat of the mantra weakens, and we can tell these words are hurting. “Bullying has changed”, we’re informed, “so should your advice”.
Why words on a phone are so much worse that when experienced in person is not clear. In fact, you could make the reverse argument – that someone intimidating you and slagging you off to your face is potentially far worse.
The form bullying takes has changed somewhat but the real message of these campaigns is not about bullying but about our approach to it. Our enlightened advisers, unlike our old, out of date selves, now realise that words hurt. “Wake up people” they’re shouting at us, “kids are being damaged, traumatised, by words”.
Of course, teachers, parents and adults who used this saying in the past always knew that words hurt. It’s not that nobody cared or worried about children. The point of the “sticks and stones” saying was to encourage immature children to learn as best they could to deal with the name calling of their peers without always needing the support of an adult. It was part of a socialising attempt to encourage young people to develop a certain level of mental toughness, as well as developing a level of emotional self-control.
“Don’t let them upset you” we were saying. “Learn to be strong and ignore their stupid insults”.
This was not an uncaring culture, but one that was based on an understanding that life was difficult sometimes, some people, some of the time, are unpleasant to one another, and we all need to develop the strength of character that can help us deal with these difficulties.
Today’s advice, that words hurt and that children cannot possibly cope with these words is a disaster and is helping to demoralise and weaken children and young people – to educate them that they are fragile, that they cannot cope, that they are emotionally vulnerable.
The outcome is the creation of a generation of young people who are less able to deal with difficult people and situations, to feel “offended” and potentially traumatised, by unpleasant words.
But being offended is not a natural phenomenon, it is in large part cultural, it is determined less by the words than our response to them.
If we teach children that they are thin skinned, the likelihood is that that is exactly what they will become, to the detriment of them and to a society that was once able to distinguish between the harm caused by actions rather than mere words.
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