Teething problems

BIG day for Old Firm fans on Sunday. As Grace's Irish Sports Bar in Glasgow's Merchant City later explained on social media: "As always after a great day we have various items of lost property consisting of: three phones, 10 jackets, two wallets, one pair of specs and a set of false teeth." We did like the false teeth reference, as it creates an image of a fan shouting so loud at the telly that their teeth flew out.

As one young Glasgow woman replied: "Sounds like our office Christmas night out."

Soap star

GROWING old, continued. A south side reader realised he was getting on a bit when he was watching a steamy bath scene involving his favourite actress, Eleanor Tomlinson, in the TV series Poldark and the first thought to come into his head as the red-headed actress stepped seductively into a shiny copper bath in front of a roaring fire was: 'Oooh, nice bath'."

Guilty feeling

FOLK are talking about their retirement plans, well I was, and a recently retired lawyer phones to tell us: "I still think back to the first trial I took as a young solicitor and after winning I rushed back to the office, charged in, and declared loudly, 'Justice prevailed!'. My boss without even looking up replied: "Ah well, we can always think about an appeal."

Takes a telling

YES that Amazon Dot with its ever-available Alexa to answer your questions is changing our lives. John Dunlop tells us: "My three-year-old grandson, having just been told off, announces: 'Alexa, give Mummy a row!'"


THE Westminster Government's plans for a "Get Ready for Brexit" advertising campaign reminds John Henderson of Harold Wilson's Labour Government's "I'm Backing Britain" campaign which was inspired by a group of typists who offered to help the struggling economy by doing an extra half hour of unpaid work every day. Harold Wilson asked the Cabinet if they could think of something similar their departments could do to help the country. Denis Healey replied that Government departments working half an hour less every day would probably do some good.

Jackets off

WE are told that some high-end hairdresser's can be a bit snooty. This was confirmed to us by Madeleine Dunne, who declares: "Went to get my hair done at a famous hair place in Glasgow once and the stylist took my jacket and said: 'This would be so much nicer if it was actually vintage and not from ASOS', a reference, of course, to a cheap and cheerful on-line clothing retailer."

Very chic

OUR esteemed colleague Alison Rowat was reviewing the play about Chic Murray on the telly the other night (four stars). Now we all know most of Chic's famous lines, but a more obscure one we always liked was Chic declaring: "I was kissing my girlfriend when, all of a sudden, I got a lump in my throat. She'd been chewing on a pickled onion."

And although it was years ago, it still seems prescient when Chic stated: "If everyone went around telling lies, where would we be? Parliament I suppose."

Read more: Ken Smith bids a fond farewell to The Herald Diary