Got his vote

WHO would agree with Rebus author Ian Rankin who simply stated: "Has anyone tried switching politics off and back on again?" Amongst the Westminster carnage was the removal of grandee Nicholas Soames, grandson of Winston Churchill, from the Tory Party. We've mentioned it before but it does remind us of when Nicholas stood in Clydebank, and the SNP – to show what a toff he was – published a photo of him winning a polo match, holding aloft the trophy brimming with champagne, his horse on one side, a blonde beauty on the other.

Knocking doors, Nicholas was finding little support until in one multi-storey, a chap said he had his vote and added: "Any man who likes horses, booze and women can't be all bad."

Button it

ANOTHER strange outburst at the Commons was Boris Johnson seemingly calling Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn a "big girl's blouse". Our old chum, crime author Val McDermid, wondered: "The insult at the Despatch Box from our civilised and sophisticated PM does raise a question I've often pondered. Is it 'big girl's blouse' or 'big girls' blouse'? i.e. is it the girl or the blouse that's big? Academic I suppose but that's the joy of pedantry."

Flux sake

WE mentioned typing errors, and a Lanarkshire reader recalls the typing pool at his office where a new typist on duty produced "the market being in a state of flux" as being "in a state of flucks". We kind of like that spelling, to be fair to her.


A GLASGOW reader said he had to smile when he heard a young chap up the bar tell his pals: "Whenever your girlfriend says to you, 'We need to talk', why is it never about football?"

Picture this

WHO can identify with comedian Shappi Khorsandi who admitted yesterday: "You know you've not kept in touch with friends when you see their kids' back to school photo on Facebook and they have a third one you'd no idea about."


DANIEL Hogg observes: "Watching BBC News this morning and the two main stories are Brexit and the Loch Ness Monster. One story is a complete joke, full of lies and being talked about by complete idiots. The other story is about the Loch Ness Monster."

The Nessie story, suggesting it was in fact a giant eel, reminds us of the cutting in an American newspaper which stated: "An atheist was fishing, when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. The beast tossed him and his boat high into the air, then opened its mouth to swallow him. The man cried out, 'Oh, God! Help me!' At once, the ferocious attack froze, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down, 'I thought you didn't believe in Me?' 'Come on, God, give me a break!' the man pleaded. 'Two minutes ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!'"

Baby talk

WE didn't ask how long it had been bothering her, but a reader phones to ask us: "How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?"

Ring to it

DAFT gag of the day from a reader who emails: "My mate is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat. When his mum finds out she's going to ring his neck."

Read more: Labouring the point