AT ease Scotland, there’s no requirement to salute – yet. My name is Priti Patel and as Home Secretary, I’m currently very busy carrying out the will of the people by banning immigrants like my parents.

Of course, the government’s policy of stopping freedom of movement also extends to the asphyxiating chokehold we presently have on the throat of democracy. Immobile, gagged and starved of oxygen, the UK’s close proximity to certain death is likely stimulating the loins of all loyal patriots at the moment, as the nation anticipates the euphoric moment we Conservatives finally deliver the ultimate orgasm of no-deal Brexit.

Yet, it seems the good vibes and positivity many feel about leaving the EU have somehow failed to penetrate the northernly outposts of greater Englandshire. Namely, the west of Scotland – a notoriously bleak and intolerant region where you’d think the natives would understand the issues caused by unregulated immigration!

Certainly, last weekend’s riots in Govan have again exposed the sedimentary layer of religious bigotry that Scotland’s insular, self-loathing psyche is built upon. At the very least, this event has confirmed suspicions that your country’s sectarian blight is currently enjoying an energised resurgence. Perhaps some blame for the proles’ stamina can be levelled at the current surplus of Class A stimulants on our streets, now that Gove is off the gear.

If I could, I would immediately funnel some foreign aid cash Nicola Sturgeon’s way to deal with such troublesome insurgencies – but as you’ll recall, I lost my job the last time I did that for Benjamin Netanyahu. The Israeli president has a few problems of his own with displaced religious extremists obsessed with ancient history!

Experience has taught me, however, that religious intolerance is simply the result of being intolerant of other religions. With this understood, closing down all segregated educational establishments seems sensible and obvious, but I only wish it were within my powers to also ban all parades celebrating wars which took place before the invention of the gun.

Amalgamating the Old Firm into a single team then exiling them to the English third division might also prove effective at tackling sectarian bigotry. Amputating the feet of all marchers who do not currently serve in either the Armed Forces or Boy's Brigade might also work.

Such righteously proactive efforts may still be in vain, however. In the west of Scotland, entire communities remain split into opposing binary factions, like Coke and Pepsi or the Dandy and Beano. Some towns do buck this sad trend of societal division, however – remaining steadfastly united in hatred.

I’m confidently informed that green traffic lights in some place called Larkhall get smashed faster than a fly in one’s Pimms – with the Co-op and Subway both having to paint their green shopfronts red, white and blue to win favour with the natives. Not the worst colour scheme, admittedly, but apparently local youths often set fire to the grass too – a symbolic warning perhaps for any spies in their ranks!

Scotland’s shame really is a unique and bizarre occurrence – where an aggrieved faction angrily rebels against a union of countries they believe unfairly oppresses them. There is simply no precedent in England for such madness. We’d never tolerate a fizzing powder keg of unresolved distrust igniting like a fireworks factory in Nagasaki, leaving only a few well-prepared survivors to reap the rewards of dividing and conquering.

Govan’s a riot

YOU might think, as a Tory and unionist, that I’d be sceptical of a republican street march in Glasgow going off peacefully. And again, my cynicism was proven right – for this rabble appear to have wilfully invoked the sensitivities of a number of proud unionists with their shameless provocation.

No, not Her Majesty’s police officers – these were outraged citizen patriots, who were otherwise minding their own business before being roused by the dirge of republican pipe anthems blaring outside their homes as they tried to watch Britian’s Got Talent.

Speaking in my capacity as a Home Secretary anticipating dystopian post-apocalyptic discontent in our streets when we finally force through no deal Brexit, it is pleasing that the Govan authorities arrived on the scene quickly enough to dampen the enthusiasm of these – admittedly sixth or seventh-generation – immigrants. Yet, I’m going to take this opportunity to let you in on a little secret. I’m actually not that bothered about sectarian clashes, religious bigotry or street riots. Or, indeed, Scotland.

You might think this is because I’m not – for the moment anyway – allowed to send anyone born in the UK back home to their genetic motherlands. But the reason for my apathy is much simpler: we members of society’s higher echelons actually welcome open warfare between factions of the UK’s proletariat.

Of course, such splits in the social fabric have always provided quaint Punch and Judy-style merriment to enliven the privileged elite’s passionless, comfortably numb existences. But this centuries-old dysfunction also allows society’s real puppet-masters to operate unhindered – plundering and looting while the public’s attentions are diverted over the small print in ancient Abrahamic scrolls and the deification of footballers whose only loyalty is to money.

Although we appreciated your vote on Brexit – and, of course, the work of Cambridge Analytica in infecting your social media feeds with inflammatory lies and hate – I must confess it’s highly likely you’ll be trading your dog’s boiled paws for candles and batteries soon. Perhaps even bartering with the republicans you recently brawled with - both sides finally finding unity by pondering together if Nutella ever existed or was simply some shared mass delusion. Much like the fictional Judeo-Christian skygod you once fought over when your bellies were full enough to care about such trivialities. 

Not a Priti picture

IF I wasn’t so detached from reality by wealth and power, I’d likely feel empathy for those infected by the mania of ancient superstitions. Certainly, it seems to me that many become so blinded by hate they can see no common ground with their perceived enemy, despite the objective reality of their solidarity in being dispensable flesh units bled to the machine. 

We elite echelons actually breathe a sigh of relief every time we hear of you rioting among yourselves, as it  signals a continued rejection of any potentially harmonious unity which could draw strength in numbers to overcome the oppressive rule of a small minority who have spent centuries cultivating power and fortune. Parasites who continue to feed off your sweat in the workplace and blood on the battlefield.

Although most will never wake from their binary perceptions of reality to recognise the real enemy, it’s true that some of you seem to have rumbled the mass media’s stirring of the pot – by abandoning paper periodicals which continue to fan the flames of this manufactured proletariat civil war, keeping illusionary rivalries alive for profit.

Perhaps this is a sign that you may one day also reject the millionaires who kick sheep stomachs around your rival temples which were purposely and cynically built in the centre of dilapidated, deprived communities – two towering, imposing palaces enriched by worshippers' zealotry that continue to cast a long, dark shadow over you all. 

And finally ...

MY boss Boris once commissioned a poem in The Spectator which suggested “exterminating” the Scots. Not that I’m in any way echoing the genocidal sentiment of those stanzas, but perhaps we should consider bringing back capital punishment for rioters – allowing their God to judge their sins directly. 

Certainly, no-one argues with a doctor who extracts an entire cancer and leaves their patient disease-free. And, as a positive side-effect, such decisive  action would also likely reduce the numbers who'll hit Glasgow's streets in the great no-deal Brexit riots to come.

If capital punishment was brought back, then executing everyone who rioted in Govan would certainly make the rest of the UK’s criminal element take note at how far we’re willing to go – having them “feel terror”, which was, you’ll remember, my mission statement when I became Home Secretary. And it’s not like we haven’t used Scotland as a testing ground before. Note that I only changed my own enthusiastic support for the death penalty a couple of years ago, back when I was also a lobbyist for tobacco and alcohol firms – so did my bit in helping dispatch a few folk myself.

Of course, to the stop the infection of sectarianism from spreading again, the state would not only have to execute all aggressive hordes afflicted with religious fervour – but also everyone with any knowledge of history post-33BC. We will return to the Old Gods post Brexit. Just so no stories of Christ can be reinterpreted and twisted around the no deal campfires you’ll roast your pets upon, to install false hope of redemption and the afterlife in future generations of slave labour.

It’ll also be vital to close all media outlets who report news not validated as truth by us first. And permanently switch off the internet. Then closely monitor what books are available for public consumption. It’s the only way to be sure. Extremism of any kind cannot be tolerated. All these actions will be carried out for you and your children’s own good, you understand. Never forget, everything your government does is in your best interests. It's you who put us here. Strong leadership – that's what you voted for!