Short shrift

HIS lower lip quivered like a jitterbugging jelly. Tears trickled down his cheeks. As he revealed he was stepping down as House of Commons speaker, John Bercow temporarily morphed into a Hollywood starlet accepting an Oscar. Alas, when reader Dave McCarthy drafted his own retirement speech, a colleague advised against such dramatic flourishes. “How about I just say: ‘Goodbye?’” said Dave. Workmate mulled this over critically before retorting: “Do you really have to say: ‘good’?”

Jaws of despair

ROBERT C Kelly knows the first rule of showbiz: optimism. The Glasgow-based theatre producer takes this maxim into his private life, too. “Bad news,” he grumbles on social media. “In the past week I have had one trip to the dentist for two extractions and now on second trip to the orthodontist since Thursday.” However, there’s an upside to Robert’s tale of woe: “Good news,” he adds. “It’s for the kids, so I haven’t felt a thing!”

Night moves

GROWING old continued: Ella Doyle, from Haggs, says she used to keep fit going to the gym. Nowadays her exercise regime’s more nocturnal: “1am, wake up, visit the toilet. 2am, toilet again. 3am, same…” She adds: “I’ve probably done a half marathon in the past fortnight, going back-and-forward. Having a weak bladder should be an Olympic sport.”

Tune in

ACTOR, singer and new Dancing On Ice judge, John Barrowman, is releasing a Christmas album. And we’re hoping to influence John’s choice of jaunty jingles. First in the queue of suitable tracks must be Cheeky Christmas by the Cheeky Girls. The lyrics aren’t entirely appropriate to quote in a family newspaper. Plus the song turns Father Christmas into a sort of roly-poly Hugh Hefner. But surely the talented Barrowman could give the song a patina of gravitas? Any other Crimbo crackers John should belt out? Requests to be slipped into the sock dangling from the end of the diary bed. (Along with a tangerine, please.)

Highbrow eyebrow chat

ANOTHER blame it on Brexit tale: Reader, Jodie Whittingham, from New Lanark was getting her eyebrows threaded. “Your eyebrows are a bit skimpy,” said the girl doing the threading. “Everything’s in short supply because of Brexit,” joked Jodie. The threader, clearly not an avid follower of current affairs, didn’t crack a smile.

Girl trouble

FORMER 007, Pierce Brosnan, believes Bond should be de-blokefied, with the next superspy played by an actress. “Does gender fluidity always have to swing one way?” asks reader William Cable. “Maybe it’s time Martin Poppins took up nanny duties in Cherry Tree Lane.”

Punch-drunk politics

WESTMINSTER’S shut for five weeks and Anton Sixsmith, from Gourock, believes, with MPs dispersed, the House of Commons could be put to better use. “Scottish scrapper Grado could put on a wrestling match,” he says. “It would still be a more peaceful place than the last few months.”

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