HOW much do you value your friends? Do you consider their friendship more important than your views on national administration?

“Why, of course!” you reply. “What is national administration anyway?”

It is politics, madam. Legislation, paperwork, the setting of taxes. Do you consider that more important to you than friendship? “Why, no.”

And philosophy, ideology, beliefs? “Well, I’m not sure, now you come to mention it.” Well, this news just in: you should be sure. You should be sure that friendship is more important than all that bilge because it just comes down to philosophy, ideology and beliefs about administration.

What could be more important? Your tax rate? The underlying rate of inflation? Employment statistics? No. Your best ploy, if you want to defeat me in this argument, is to say: “Health, education. They’re right important, ken?” Oh, I ken. I ken. But still I say: friends first.

I write in the wake of revelations by Sarah Vine about the rift that opened up between her husband and herself on one side and former Prime Minister David Cameron and his missus Samantha on the other. The spat was about politics and is made worse by considering that they’re all on the same side, at least in party terms

Alas, Vine’s husband is Michael Gove, the Brexiteer. Cameron was a Tory Remainer. Brexit, I guess, has put a strain on many friendships. Scottish indie was another issue that did the same. But is it worth it? Over politics?

In Gove’s case, you might find a friendship under strain if he did the dirty on you, as he did with Boris Johnson. But that’s not politics as such. That’s personality or character failure.

As for Cameron, if any of my friends said, “Hi, I’ve just been out killing animals for fun”, like he does, then I’d probably vomit on them. Even then, once they’d been cleaned up, there’d still be a chance we’d remain friends. But that’s not about politics. That’s about realising your friend is a psychopathic killer who, like all hunters and shooters, should be kept under 24-hour police surveillance

You could fall out with them for being Tories, but it would still be possible to remain friends. I had a Tory friend in my early twenties, and even that friendship survived a fist-fight during the miners’ strike. So I guess disagreements over politics is nothing new.

But everyone seems so angry now and so obsessed with politics. You might think we were angry back in the day to have a fist-fight, but it was just a decent and proper way to clear the air. It would be better if people today would spend five minutes discussing their opposite stances before calmly saying, “OK, let’s just jook it out then we can get back to normal”. Once you’ve had a fist-fight about politics, you tend to avoid the subject afterwards.

But, today, folk bang on and on and, usually, I find myself listening in near-silence, literally for years now, just thinking: “Please shut up.” I only stick around for the free drink. And I needed a stiff one after reading about Lib Dem plans to have a Minister for Happiness. Lib Dems: the very thought of them plunges one into melancholy.

If you want to be happy, avoid politics. Restrict yourself to a brief dabble once every four years at the polling station. It is quite enough. All the shouting and gesticulating that goes on in between times should be left to those and such as those, people from private schools and the highly regarded legal profession; proper freaks cut out for that sort of thing.

We're doomed, kids!

WHO will think of the children? Not parents terrifying the life out of them with tales of environmental disaster. According to the Climate Psychology Alliance – the what now? – children are suffering from “eco anxiety” and getting prescribed psychiatric drugs.

The CPA says that, alas, the worries are “rational”. It adds: “The fear is of environmental doom – that we’re all going to die.” Big deal. The point is you shouldn’t be scaring the bairns aboot it. What good does that do?

It doesn’t help when that Greetin’ Thunberg lassie blunders aboot the planet spreading doom and gloom. I adhere to the Victorian belief that children should be protected from the sadness of the world, and that includes young Greetin’-face.

Why are bairns getting in such a state? You teach them not to pull down saplings or hurt animals. You don’t tell them we’re all about to die. The sad thing is they’re learning too early that the adults haven’t a clue what they’re doing. That disillusioning revelation shouldn’t come until much later in life.

I was about 35 before the penny dropped it. It’s the cause of all melancholy. Well, that and the Lib Dems.

Tales of Scotland

THE news aggregator sites are it again, inadvertently dissing Scotland by showing us to be a wee, daft country.

In one, there was all the usual big news from around the world. Germany: “Merkel has one more crisis to fight.” USA: “Pompeo backs Saudia Arabia amidst Gulf tensions.” Even ruddy Sweden: “Teen climate activist Greetin’ Thunberg says heed the science.”

And Scotland? “Man and woman injured after street fight outside Co-op.”

You may remember previous examples when, amidst stories of war and world economic crisis elsewhere, we had: “Drunk shopper caused mayhem with trolley in supermarket”; and “Aberdeen man smashed pub televisions with pool cue”.

They must be culling these stories from the local press and STV (“Good evening, it’s a’ murders and fitba’”). You do wish they’d take us more seriously.

Mind you, sometimes other countries – even big important ones –get it in the neck too. The top entry for Russia that I’ve just read is: “Horse tried to get on a bus.” And even from the aforementioned USA (this just in from Chicago): “Pigeon poos on head of man complaining about pigeon poo.”

I suppose it just shows what a weird and wonderful world we live in.