Weird science

RETIRED physics teacher David Jacobs provides us with the next instalment in our series of school tales. He recalls a puzzled pupil who asked for help with a text-book question he was struggling to answer. Glancing at what turned out to be a very simple problem, the long-suffering teacher said: “Come on now, that’s a doddle.” Schoolboy was less than pleased. “Well, how am I meant to know the answer?” he huffed. “We haven’t studied doddles yet.”

Jarring behaviour

READER, Jack Harvey informs us that, at the grand old age of 33, he is finding it increasingly hard to recall the more sophisticated words from his vocabulary. After making himself a peanut butter sandwich, Jack was attempting to tidy up. To his wife, he said: “I’ve got the jar, but where’s the closey-thing?” The closey-thing turned out to be the peanut butter jar’s lid.

Pie-eyed piper

SO, now we know the only person in the UK who isn’t in possession of a complete set of Beatles albums. Paul McCartney. In a Radio Times interview this week, Macca admits he doesn’t own all those classic discs. Hopefully he does have a copy of his mega-hit single, Mull of Kintyre. The Diary recalls the secret of that song’s success. Whisky, and plenty of it. To get them in the mood, Paul promised the thirsty Campbeltown Pipe Band, who accompanied him on the song, a dram or two. But he was wary of unleashing the hard stuff too early in the day. “I said we won’t drink before the session, because it could go horribly wrong,” McCartney later recalled. In other words, play your pipes, lads. Then we’ll see about giving your other pipes a good gargle.

Holy orders

TIME for a spiritual side-splitter. Robin Gilmour offers up this religious parable. Shortly after a local painter and decorator finished working on the church manse windows, it started raining heavily. Paint began trickling off the wood and down the walls. On seeing this, the minister left the following message on the painter’s mobile phone: “Sir, the paint you applied is running off the wood, and I’m sure I detect a strong whiff of turpentine. I suggest you repaint, repaint and thin no more.”

Huffy hubby

SHOPPING is often accompanied by stropping, especially when hubby is forced to trail behind the missus while she collects the messages, as a Bishopbriggs reader discovered. Browsing in the supermarket, he overheard a husband remark to his better half: “Ah see they’re recyclin’ wummin here.” His wife asked what he meant. “They’re sellin’ crab meat,” came the embittered reply.

Tickled by Terrminator

LET’S finish with a dose of daftness, courtesy of reader Andrew Morgan: “My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression,” he tells us. “But don’t worry, I’ll return.”

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