Rocky relationship

ROCKER Suzi Quatro, is heading to Glasgow for a Q&A session at the GFT, where a documentary about her life is being screened. Suzi’s a bad-ass, bass-playing belle. Even so, in the 1970s she was too terrified to meet Elvis, turning him down when he requested a pow-wow. At least she did meet the second coolest person on the planet. Guest starring on TV show, Happy Days, she received a thumbs-up from the Fonz. (Who we like to think of as the Almost Elvis.)


ST ANDREWS resident, Davie Anderson, overheard a young waitress being harangued by a party of American tourists in the local hotel bar-bistro. “Are these your only vegetarian dishes?” fumed one tourist, demanding to see a list of vegan food. The waitress confirmed the non-meat options were confined to vegetarian lasagne and veggieburgers. “But if you don’t have a full vegan menu,” interrupted the tourist, “Why is this joint called the Dunvegan Hotel?” Adds Davie: “I predict further disappointment for our colonial cousins, should they visit Saltcoats, Newcastle or Redcar.”

Snap happy

A HERALD photographer was on a job, click-clicking colourful images of boozy barflies gargling beer in a Glesga pub. The kindly lensman allowed the subjects of his photos to take a peek at the pics he’d taken. “Good God!” groaned one fellow, glancing at his image in the camera’s memory bank. “Is there anybody on the planet as ugly as me?” The answer to this rhetorical question was provided when he glanced at the bloke next to him at the bar. “Could be worse,” he sighed, happily. “Least I’m no’ as ugly as you.”

Toilet humour

IN the same pub works a barmaid, legendary in those parts for being a "character" (in other words, she’s a cheeky wee besom). After downing a pint or three, one tippler, frequenting the establishment for the first time, said to this gal: “Excuse me, where’s your bathroom?” To which the bolschy barmaid barked: “Ma bathroom’s right next to ma bedroom. Where’s yours?”

Barking mad

FORMER boxer Carl Froch, has revealed he believes the earth is flat. Reader Alex Mallen thinks people who deny the planet’s true shape should be more imaginative. “They always say it’s flat,” he says. “Why not be totally bonkers and argue it’s poodle shaped?”

Batty ball game

CRICKET means one thing for many Scots – confusion. Scott Colquhoun was more bamboozled than usual when his son, watching a TV advert for the sport, enquired. “How can you play cricket against windows?” Gradually the penny dropped. The advert was promoting a match featuring the West Indies. Otherwise known as… the Windies.

Top Trump

A HERALD journo with a passion for world affairs (and daft gags) leans over my desk and whispers: “Donald J. Trump was asked what the middle initial in his name stands for. After a moment of presidential contemplation, he replied: ‘Genius.’”

Read more: Churchill visits Glasgow (twice) in 1951