Jack Boot

ONE of the highlights of Tory conference was the wit and wisdom of Scottish Secretary Alister ‘I’m all right’ Jack. The hunting-shooting-fishing toff revealed Scottish Tory MPs had been “brought into line” on a no-deal Brexit, suggested sending gunboats to defend passing fish, and called for a Union-themed bank holiday to replace a “left wing one”. Most folk think he meant May Day. We suspect the tweedy old Grinch meant Christmas.

Music man

IMALLRIGHT was only rivalled in comic potential at the conference by Peter Chapman. As Unspun first revealed, the crusty north east fermer turned MSP has made a CD of himself belting out Sangs & Poems in the Doric. Top tunes include “The Ploo, Pan Loaf, and Miser Toon’s Pig”. So proud is he of his talents, Unspun hears he was eagerly pressing copies on unwitting delegates, regardless of their appetite. Oh, Manchester, so much to answer for.


ANOTHER of the Scottish Tories’ northeast odd squad is Holyrood man of mystery Tom Mason. Last year, after he was called to speak, the list MSP was immortalised by Nicola Sturgeon who declared: “Tom Mason? Who’s Tom Mason?” This week at FMQs, Mr Mason finally made a name for himself by referring to the Presiding Officer as the Returning Officer. “My apologies, but I was caught up in the by-election in Bridge of Don in Aberdeen”.

Natty as fruitcakes

JUST how bad are things in the Lanarkshire SNP? The party’s most dysfunctional outpost has outdone itself this week on the feuding front, as rivals slog it out for the Westminster candidacy in Coatbridge. Now Unspun hears a leading member of the ‘Monklands McMafia’ faction actually backed Labour in a recent council byelection because they hated the SNP colleagues involved in the fight. We shall refrain from naming the MSP in question.

Owl trouble

TALKING of Labour, we see new Scottish party press boss Conrad ‘Smooth’ Landin has been tidying up his Twitter profile. “Print journalist by trade, now a press officer. Proud GMB member,” says the former Scotland editor of the Morning Star. We much preferred his old one, in which he described himself as a humble “owl and fox enthusiast”. We trust he finds Scottish Labour red in tooth and claw enough for his liking. Just watch out for those talons.

Conceited? Moi?

ALSO trying to get elected to Westminster is former SNP MP Michelle Thomson, who has taken a run at East Lothian. When a local newspaper reported her ambitions, it mentioned she was once investigated (and cleared) for alleged mortgage fraud. “This is a tired refrain,” she drawled on Twitter. “Wouldn’t it just be more fitting to say well done?” Ok. Well done on a snooty response to the media for simply reporting the facts. Great PR plan. Happy now?

Button pushers

GAFFE of the week belonged to the Scottish Government. After a six-year build up, it published its final position on fracking a day early by mistake online. Cue a dish of humble pie with the Presiding Officer, as Holyrood should have been told first. Unspun hears a junior staffer had been updating a file on fracking and naturally pressed ‘Save’ when prompted. Alas, this turned out to mean ‘Save and publish’, confirming the timeless adage that in government it’s invariably one per cent conspiracy and 99% cock-up.