Tubeway army

LONDON. It’s the epicentre of epic. The capital of cool. The city of which Dr. Johnson opined: “When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.” Robert Florence begs to differ. The comedy performer wasn’t impressed by the commuters who dragged a climate change protestor from the top of a Canning Town underground train yesterday. “This is why I don’t like London,” grumbled the Burnistoun star. “Imagine wanting to go to your work THIS badly. In Glesga we’d be like: ‘Cannae come in. There’s a **** on the roof of the train.’ Straight back to bed.”

Mess is best

RIVER CITY actor Jordan Young is feeling proud. “For the first time in ages my hoose is tidy enough not to be embarrassed when unexpected visitors arrive,” he admits, before adding: “Winning at life.” The Diary is not so certain there’s anything wrong with a messy house. In our experience you can always pretend you aren’t home when visitors pop round unannounced. If the nosey folk then peek through your window, making sure you’re not in, you can hide behind the heaps of rotting food, discarded clothing and mountains of dust. Hoarding. It has its uses.

Brexit beasty

A TENACIOUS spider is making life hell for reader Alison Cameron. Every time she captures the wee beastie and throws it out the door, she spots it in the house, hours later. Alison says she knows it’s the same spider as it emanates a cocky familiarity. “I’ve called him Brexit,” she adds. “Because there’s no end to him in sight.”

Business as usual

SINGER Roddy Hart has been taking a break from warbling to analyse episodes of a certain business-orientated TV programme. “I love that the designated meeting place at the start of every episode of The Apprentice has absolutely **** all to do with the task,” says Roddy. He then describes the random nature of each show. “Candidates: ‘Quick, get up! Twenty minutes to meet Lord Sugar at a FOOTBALL STADIUM!’ Lord Sugar: “This week’s task is about selling potatoes.’”

Handy hatred

ONE of the principle charitable services provided by the Diary is when we come to the aid of multimillionaire pop stars. That’s why we’re embracing the plight of Lewis Capaldi, who’s in dire need of a new enemy. The singer-songwriter has revealed his feud with Noel Gallagher is over. The mudslinging between the two was never that serious, though it gained Lewis oodles of publicity. Which is why he requires a new sparring partner. Our initial thoughts? Donald Trump would be perfect. Donald, however, has numerous enemies, so might not be able to provide the quality time that hating Capaldi requires. Lewis loathing. Not as simple as you’d think.

Childish gag

JOKE time. Reader Philip Andrews says: “The wife and I have decided we don’t want children.” He adds: “We’re telling them tomorrow.”

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