Wifely warning

BILLY Connolly’s latest book, a collection of his most popular stand-up material titled Tall Tales and Wee Stories, was released this week. To celebrate this latest money-spinning effort from Glasgow’s most illustrious comedy giant, the Diary thought it would be a good idea to look back at some of our favourite humorous yarns with a distinctively Glesga twist. Such as the chap who arrived home from his work to be hastily told by his harassed wife: “We’re invited tae ma sister’s for dinner. You’ve got hauf-an-oor tae change and argue aboot it.”

Timing is everything

ANOTHER vignette of life as it’s lived in the west of Scotland. This one takes place on a Sunday in a Springburn supermarket boasting a high-profile security presence. One of the bouncer-types noticed a local worthy helping himself to a half-bottle of vodka. At which point the bouncer yelled: “Haw yoo. Yu’r no’ meant tae start knockin’ the voddy tae hawf-twelve.” The vodka was swiftly returned, apologies given and accepted, and Springburn returned to its traditional Sunday slumbers.

Perks of the yob

WHEN Sir Alex Ferguson was made Freeman of the City of Glasgow, one astute fan, who knew such awards often have archaic attachments, asked the great man: “Does that mean you can graze your sheep in George Square?” Sir Alex explained that, regrettably, it did not. He added: “The only useful clause is that if I get lifted I’m entitled to a cell of my own.”

Boating for beginners

THEN there was the Gorbals lady who had done well and moved to a more salubrious area of Glasgow’s south side. (Whitecraigs, we hear.) At a social get-together, the lady was on the fringe of the conversation and overheard one of her neighbours talking about his latest acquisition, a boathouse. “We’ve got a boathouse as well,” she chipped in. “We bought our house 12 years ago.”

Planting drugs

A FEW years back there was a case in Glasgow involving much murder and mayhem. A great deal of the evidence related to the fact that various miscreants were under the effects of drink and a certain drug called Temazepam. One middle-aged lady member of the jury was heard to remark to a fellow juror: “I think I understand it all so far. Except for the bits about the tomato plants.”

Curl up and die

IN a curling rink in Glasgow one game old chap of 85 didn’t have the best of eyesight, so his skip held a flashlight on his broom handle to give him the line for the shot. A bloke, watching from the next rink, was heard to mutter: “If I was 85 and saw a bright light ahead of me, I’d turn and go the other way.”

Run fatboy, run

TWO gentlemen of the heftier sort were peching and panting on the running machines in a gym. One of the would-be sylphs slipped and crashed to the ground. His friend leaped to his aid and asked if he was okay. Taking the proffered hand, the fallen Leviathan levered himself upright and mournfully checked the kilojoule counter on his running machine. “Two hundred and forty kilojoules, that’s the sausages aff this morning’s fry-up,” he said. Showing true Olympian spirit, he clambered back on the machine, commenced jogging and gasped: “Now for the bacon.”

Bunkered baddies

A GOLFING fan once told the Diary that he and his mates play an "Adolf and Eva" rule. They only ever count two shots in the bunker.

Read more: Russell Hunter at the Citizens, 1960