Just not tennis

IN Foyles bookstore in London a literary prankster has added an alternative dust jacket, complete with fake reviews, to David Cameron’s recently published memoir. One fictitious comment is attributed to Judy and Andy Murray. Mum and son are quoted as saying of Mr Cameron’s magnum opus: “A poorly written romp around the world with hardly any references to tennis whatsoever.”

Farewell phrases

SPORTS broadcaster Jim Spence has been musing over phrases that have vanished from the language. His suggestions are sports jacket, milk float and three-piece suit. To these we add: "Yet again Scotland make it to the finals of a major footballing competition". Sadly the milk float will probably return to action before those baleful boys in blue get a sniff of silverware.

Sweet to sour

DON’T they grow up fast? Short story writer Chris McQueer was doing a spot of sweetie shopping when he stumbled upon what initially appeared to be a bag of Jelly Babies. On closer inspection it became clear they were Little Jelly Men, and named as such on the packaging. Does this mean Jelly Babies went through puberty without the Diary noticing? There must have been teenage acne, growth spurts, wispy moustaches and tantrums along the way. This also presumably means we must brace ourselves for Middle Age Jelly Men. Sugary treats with beer paunches, a deep admiration for Jeremy Clarkson and hefty divorce settlements to pay.

Brush with violence

LEWIS Capaldi’s feud with Liam Gallagher being over, we’re actively searching for new enemies to keep Lewis busy and having fun. (The singer loves a grudge match.) Reader Tom Bennet suggests one of Scotland’s many barbers could be co-opted as a nifty new nemesis. Tom explains: “Lewis has a tousled mop of hair. Perhaps a barber with time on his hands could take it upon himself to sneak up on Lewis unawares, then pounce on him and comb him into submission.”

Sales volume

OUR series of yarns with a hearing aid theme continues. Reader Hugh Steele says the little gizmos are expensive if you go private. In fact, he once knew a lady customer who, on buying a pair of hearing aids, managed to get a thousand pounds in arrears.

Wordy women

FUNNY gal Janey Godley was telling her equally witty daughter, comedian Ashley Storrie, about the book she’s writing. The conversation went like this… Janey: I’m really stressed. I’ve got 60,000 words due in March. Ashley: Don’t worry. I wrote a Harry Potter/Love Action fan fiction, that was 80,000 words, in a month. Janey (laughing): How old were you when you did that? Ashley: It was this August. Janey (no longer laughing): Oh, Ashley.

Career ends dramatically

WE finish with a theatrical flourish. Reader William Settle says he lost his job as a stage designer. He wasn’t very happy, but left without making a scene.

Read more: Hello Dolly ... Parton in Glasgow,1977 and 2007