Bru brouhaha

IRN-BRU guzzlers are in a tizzy over their favourite glass of fizzy. Barr has been bottling the burp-inducing cordial since Robert the Bruce was knee-high to a claymore. Legend has it the Bruce shared a Bru or tu with that industrious spider he met in a cave. The recipe was changed in recent times, however, causing much gnashing of teeth coated in a sticky, orange substance. Now Barr is releasing a limited edition of the drink, based on a 1901 recipe. The Diary, being a huge fan of nostalgia, wonders what other favoured fads of the past should return. Three-channel TV, perhaps? Or standing to attention as the national anthem brings a night of televisual viewing to an end…

White heat

A FEW tiles needed replacing in reader David Grant’s bathroom. David assumed it wouldn’t be problematic, as the tiles were white, meaning it would be a simple task finding similar ones in such a generic colour. “Yer wrang there,” countered the tiler. “White-white doesnae exist, pal. There’s hunners of whites on the market. None of ’em the same.” David now hopes to persuade his tiler to move to America’s Deep South. “With his rallying cry of ‘White-white doesnae exist, pal,’ he could rid the South of the Ku Klux Klan in an instant,” says David.

Special speculation

MUSICIAN Gerry Cinnamon has been waxing philosophical. The Castlemilk-raised singer muses: “When you’re young, they tell you you’re very special. When you’re an adult they tell you: ‘What makes you think you’re so special?’ When you die, they say you were a special person.” Profound thoughts from Gerry, though we politely disagree. Our view is that avid readers of the Herald Diary are special. Nobody else, quite frankly, matters in the least.

Elderly edibles

ALWAYS first to break the major stories, the Diary revealed recently that Jelly Babies have matured into adulthood, with packets of Little Jelly Men spotted on sweetshop shelves. Reader Isobel Frize brings news that the accelerated ageing process continues. She sends a photograph of a bag of jelly people wearing glasses and hair-curlers, while wielding walking sticks and Zimmer frames. The name of these cute candy characters? Jellyatrics, of course.

Brexit battle’s brill

COMEDIAN Frankie Boyle isn’t always the most cheerful of souls, though he’s managed to find a ray of hope in the interminable Brexit machinations of politicians of every stripe. “There’s so much more that this Government could be doing if it wasn’t for Brexit,” he says, before adding: “So there is an upside.”

Lightbulb moment

FANCY some screwball humour? We’ve got something screwier. Reader Margaret Smith asks how many mystery novelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The answer is two. One to screw it almost all the way in. The other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Read more: Playing chicken with the bird