Tall tale

WE recently asked what fads from the past should make a comeback. Reader Martin Broadman would like to see the return of the platform shoes he swaggered and swayed in when he was a 1970s glam rock groupie. Those tottertastic heels turned him from being a perfectly presentable five-foot-nine fella into a towering titan who could clump past an office block and wink through the 10th-floor window at the pretty girls within. (We exaggerate. But only slightly.) Martin reveals he never binned his platforms, and still wears them on special occasions. “Not for a swanky night out,” he admits. “But they come in handy when I want to change a lightbulb in the living room ceiling.”

Love’s a gas

SCOTTISH crooner Callum Beattie has warbled many a romantic tune, though we seriously doubt his recent thoughts on how to behave whilst new love blossoms will make it into any future love song. “You start seeing someone and you hold in your fart for eight hours in case you blow the poor lassie oot the bed or kill her with gas poisoning,” he explains.

Till chill

WITH a bloodcurdling cackle, Halloween fast approaches on its broomstick. Not that you’d notice as there’s only a gazillion scary toys, sweets and gimmicks for sale in the shops. Even the tills are getting in on the action. Laurence Collins was purchasing goods in the Sauchiehall Street Poundshop when the self-service till he was using started guffawing maniacally. In a Vincent Price voice it then boomed: “Don’t be afraid to come closer.” After he’d paid, the till hissed: “Take your change… or leave it for me. Mwoaa-ha-ha-ha!” Laurence wasn’t too concerned by this unusual behaviour from an inanimate object. “I’m used to being scared when I go shopping,” he says. “Though usually it’s the price of things, not the Vincent Price.”

Marriage-moulded man

READER Robin Gilmour was best man at his pal’s wedding 51 years ago. He still recalls part of the speech he made that day, a carefully crafted treatise foretelling what his buddy could look forward to in the years ahead. “When a woman gets married she walks up the aisle,” said Robin. “She stands at the alter and sings a hymn. But for the rest of her life she only remembers these three words from the day: I’ll… Alter… Him!” Robin tells us the couple are still married. Job well done by the bride, in other words.

Diabolical digits

MORE chills and thrills from the Halloween shops. A Bishopbriggs reader was wandering round his local M&S store when he spotted a selection of ghoulicious treats, including packets of severed chocolate fingers. “What a rip-off,” concluded our reader.

Well spotted

NOW for some dog-shaped whimsy. Reader Maurice Barr tells us he recently spotted an albino Dalmatian. “It was the least I could do for him,” adds Maurice.