ANOTHER week, another slew of labels to wrap our heads around. The latest: relationship status.
Celebrity Klaxon 1: Keanu Reeves has a girlfriend. Not just any girlfriend. An "age-appropriate" girlfriend. The 55-year-old star of The Matrix is said to be dating his long-time artistic collaborator, Alexandra Grant, who is 46.
It's become a Hollywood trope that men fall for much younger women – both on and off screen – so the fact that Reeves was spotted holding hands with a middle-aged, silver-haired woman who is neither a model/actress did a good job of breaking the internet on an otherwise idle weekday.
Yet, something about the "age-appropriate" tag rings a tad hollow. Particularly since many people initially thought it was 74-year-old Helen Mirren with Reeves on the red carpet. Yup, on planet showbiz, if you're not a twenty-something, then you may as well be a septuagenarian.
Celebrity Klaxon 2: Helena Bonham Carter has decried the use of "toy boy" to describe her boyfriend, Norwegian writer Rye Dag Holmboe, who is 21 years her junior. The Crown star views the phrase as "a really sexist remark".
She argued that "it implies he's got nothing to offer than his body". While acknowledging that her beau's body is "fantastic", Bonham Carter was quick to assert that "he's got a great mind and a great humour", adding: "That's what I'm with more than his envelope."
Rumours that Bonham Carter and Reeves are to form a joint pressure group, Actors Against Ageism/I'll Date Whoever I Want, Nothing To See Here, remain as yet unconfirmed.
READ MORE: Susan Swarbrick: The glam A-list life? I'd rather eat a bucket of chicken on the sofa
Celebrity Klaxon 3: Emma Watson may not be dating anyone currently, but she is keen to emphasise that this is no Bridget Jones-esque singleton situation. Rather the Harry Potter star is "self-partnered". Which, to my ear, sounds like the Millennial equivalent of Cyndi Lauper's She Bop. No?
Hero to zero
ZERO-waste kitchens are all the rage. Yet another reason for existential guilt. I know this because the other day I threw some potato peelings in the bin.
No sooner had the lid slammed shut than I immediately imagined Greta Thunberg's disapproving, furrowed brow appearing beside me like the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland. I fished them out and traipsed down to the compost heap.
I'm all for doing my bit for the planet, but it can be an exhausting business. Take the conversation I overheard in an upmarket coffee shop where two women were discussing their own efforts.
It was an exchange of ruthless one-upwomanship to rival Dynasty's Alexis Colby and Krystle Carrington. Or Coleen Rooney vs Rebekah Vardy if you need a more topical reference.
This was Keeping Up With The Joneses: Eco Edition where, instead of accumulating envy-inducing possessions, such as flash vehicles, fancy white goods, swish upholstery and oodles of plastic junk, the goal is to banish anything that isn't environmentally friendly from your life.
They sparred about the merits of smart toilets, portable pollution monitors, solar chargers and bamboo toothbrushes. The sweet irony? Both were clutching single-use coffee cups and key fobs for gas-guzzling cars.
Merry November
BUCKLE up. The Christmas juggernaut is already thundering towards us. Yes, it really does get earlier every year. Ask poor old Chris Rea.
It used to be that the singer began his annual pilgrimage, aka Driving Home For Christmas, around the middle of December. Now, to beat the rush, he's having to set off at Hallowe'en.
Already on the road are Michael Buble and Robbie Williams. While the rest of us were out guising, Buble was limbering up and counting down the minutes until midnight on November 1 when he could unveil a new version of White Christmas.
Williams, meanwhile, is due to release his album, The Christmas Present, on November 22. He certainly sounds up for the challenge of dethroning Buble as King of Christmas, proclaiming: "I f***ing love Michael, but it must stop. It must end now."
Not so fast, boys. You've forgotten someone. Sky Sports pundit Chris Kamara could be the dark horse with his album, Here's To Christmas, out on November 15. I know what you are thinking: Unbelievable, Jeff. Do not adjust your glasses. You did read that correctly.
Mariah Carey has also been festive ready since November 1. She is re-releasing Merry Christmas to mark the album's 25th anniversary and is signed up to promote Walkers Crisps over the yuletide period, including a telly ad in which she plays the world's most reluctant eater of oil-dunked potatoes.
READ MORE: Susan Swarbrick: The glam A-list life? I'd rather eat a bucket of chicken on the sofa
When glam rock band Wizzard sang I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day back in 1973, they were being whimsical. Now it seems like a statement of intent. At this rate we'll be taking the decorations down on the morning of January 5 and putting them back up the same afternoon.
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