Hot air

BUSINESSMAN, braggard, leader of the free world and red-tie wearer extraordinaire. Donald Trump is all those things. He’s also under a wee bit of pressure right now, being in the middle of an impeachment inquiry. We could be witnessing a seminal moment in the big orange fella’s White House reign. To commemorate this historic moment, we’ve decided to recall some of our yarns from yesteryear that have the most Trumptastic traits. For instance, there’s a tale, set in an East End of Glasgow social security office, that we believe is worthy of The Donald’s daring levels of suaveness and urbanity. A single parent was being quizzed on behalf of the Child Support Agency as to who was the father of her baby. “Listen,” she replied. “When ye eat a tin o’ beans ye don’t know which wan made ye fart.”

Kanga rueful behaviour

AND here’s a story with a whiff of Trump’s compassionate nature. Two Scots were holidaying in Australia. Driving through the outback, their car collided with a kangaroo. On stopping, they discovered the kangaroo lifeless by the roadside. They prodded it a bit but there was no sign of recovery. Having nothing more urgent to do, they propped the kangaroo against the car and proceeded to take photographs. One chap went further and dressed the kangaroo in his denim jacket. At this point the kangaroo came to life. Even in its dazed state it realised the two human lunatics were worth avoiding. It bounced off at great speed into the Bush, still wearing the denim jacket with the chap’s wallet and traveller’s cheques in the pockets. A less refined column than the Diary would make a joke about bouncing cheques at this juncture. We shall avoid such base punnery.

Shooting for glory

SOME claim the Donald likes to take short-cuts to get what he wants. Which reminds us of the two students at Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh who were candidates for a prestigious year’s work experience with a Dutch company. The two could not be separated on academic grounds or other criteria. The suggested solution from the Uni was they both write an essay on what benefits they hoped to reap from the experience. The two lads, not wishing to see the university term go into extra-time with such an assignment, offered a more succinct solution. They went to the sports ground and had a penalty shoot-out.

Praying for forgiveness

TRUMP doesn’t do apologies. Though sometimes they’re necessary, especially if you work for a newspaper, where you must own up to mistakes. The Inverness Courier once had to don the sackcloth when it made a mistake in the details of the appointment of a new clerk to Inverness presbytery of the Church of Scotland. At the end of the correction was added the biblical reference Psalm 51, verse 3. Keen students of the good book will know this reads: “I acknowledge my transgressions and my sin is before me.”

Jog on

IT isn’t only Donald Trump who takes offence easily. A member of a golf club once wrote to let us know that one of the dress rules there stipulates, “No jogging bottoms”. He added: “My wife has taken this personally and refuses to go.”

Driver detective

BRITISH/American relations have been tempestuous during Trump’s presidency, though we recall a Diary story that shows the special relationship working in perfect harmony. An American tourist on the coach from Glasgow Airport was concerned that the driver had set off without checking the bus boot was securely closed and was complaining that her luggage was going to end up strewn over the road. “Listen, hen,” said the driver. “I’m like Sherlock Holmes. I’ve not lost a case yet.”

First impressions

TRUMP’S attention to detail is legendary. Just like the second-year girls in Dunfermline who were asked by their art teacher what Impressionism was. “It’s French for colouring-in,” one replied.