Ho, ho ho? Ha!

ARE you all looking forward to Christmas? No, me neither. However, it’s never too early to talk about it, as it’s an important cultural and theological event in our arguably peculiar society.

In British theology, we worship the god Santa, based on Odin, who was born in a manger in Palestine 2,019 years ago on December 25, making him a Capricorn, who are said to be ambitious (surely the sine qua non for a deity) but pessimistic (ditto, when they look at the mess they’ve created).

But Santa, trudging through the Middle Eastern snow with a sack of goodies on his back, is portrayed as a resolutely jolly person, and that’s one of many reasons why, no matter how deep my desperation, I won’t be applying to become Santa this Christmas.

I say “Santa” singular but, according to urgent news reports, 1,000 Santas are being sought for the malls, stores and theme parks of this great nation. There has been, it says here, “a boom in grottos”. Yes, I thought I heard a noise.

News of a recruitment crisis facing Father X comes from the Ministry of Fun Santa School, which appears to be a real thing. It lists the qualifications desired for this important work: over 35 (check); deep voice (nope – might be more suitable for one of the elves); able to cope with children (up to a point, and only if they’re nice and well-behaved) and their parents (God, no – there’s nothing worse than parents, the single most entitled and irritating group in society today).

James Lovell, founder of the aforementioned Ministry, has posited Christmas as a fun antidote to the General Election, which is currently enlivening the nation like a vat of Mogadon. He says: “We don’t want to vote, we want to sing carols, shop and see Santa. Let’s be jolly!”

I’ll try. Nope. Not working. Apart from anything else, while admirable souls like Mr Lovell try fruitlessly to inject Christmas with cheer, others are taking the the joy out of the thing.

Yes, we’re sleepwalking into a Woke Xmas, with the trendy elite now telling us not to give presents or send cards. Actually, I could go along with this, though the fact that it helps the environment is a bit of a bummer.

Only joking. I’m a passionate recycler and so forth, but the Cromwellian vibe behind this latest trend is disturbing. The doyen of today’s virtue-signalling dafties is establishment darling Dame Emma Thompson, who’s not so much woke as positively insomnolent.

Oddly enough, she’s just brought out a film called Last Christmas which has received, er, mixed reviews, and which presumably presses all the Richard Curtis buttons: bit schmaltzy, very London, variously cosy or twee, which is fine when it works (Notting Hill) and dire when it doesn’t (most of the other ones).

Socialist Dame Emma isn’t giving presents this year because “we’re going to have a sustainable Christmas – no gifts … because we’ve got everything, because some of us do have way too much”. Sounds more like she’s not receiving presents, so you can score her off your list this year, folks.

Environmental charities, meanwhile, advise the peasantry to rent rather than buy trees, replace tinsel with pine cones and holly, and wrap presents in scarves rather than shiny paper, which all sounds reasonable.

In addition, Santa should wear a hoodie and grey athletics trousers rather than the fur-lined number that he traditionally affects.

Out of touch old boomer that he is. In the meantime, triple hos all round, folks, and a moderately Merry Christmas when it comes (he squeaked).

Ring the changes

DOUGHNUT news, and the controversial comestible is being hailed as the next big breakthrough in dieting. The fact that it’s the Greggs bakery chain saying this will surely give us food for thoughtlessness.

According to Greggs’ chief executive Roger Whiteside, switching from jam-filled to ring doughnuts could see the pounds drop off. Formerly fat persons will soon be running marathons and getting into trousers without causing great rips in the gussets.

The chain’s 2,000 dispensaries will now surround their jam doughnuts with health-giving ring ones, as an apparent show of encouragement to choose the latter, though to my mind it makes the former look like the prize.

A top professor of food policy (a what now?), meanwhile, has suggested that the switching idea sounded like a “bit of a joke”, though it’s fair to say there are fewer calories in a ring doughnut which, if served with a side-salad and a dollop of hummus, could make a balanced and nutritious meal.

It’s a pity that everything that tastes nice is bad for us. It says everything you need to know about the nature of this cruel world and of a deity whose prime purpose is to torture us.

Lap it up, luvvies

I HATE to indulge in sweeping generalisations (no, I don’t; love it!), but it’s obvious that Greggs doughnut eaters and people who sit in coffee shops working on laptops and iPads constitute different demographics.

The latter are clearly the sort of woke people who’d eat a bowl of hummus without a healthy ring doughnut to dip into it.

They’re self-evidently the same sort who speak loudly into mobile phone headsets as they walk along the street, leading to embarrassing situations in which your right leg starts to swing backwards and you have to look down at it, pointing, and chastising it like a dog, saying: “No! I’ve told you before! You’ve not to kick the man up the bahookie!”

Now, coffee shops are banning the laptop luvvies, partly to encourage folk to speak to each other (fat chance: how weird is that?) but mainly to stop them hogging tables, and denying same to others, as they sit all day after paying for just one vegan latté.

I’ve no strong feelings on the matter, if I’m dishonest, and, while sympathising with those who say the move amounts to “bullying”, believe the situation could be rectified satisfactorily if they were arrested and imprisoned.