Windy warning

THE generational conflict between parents and children can be a bitter one, with little understanding shown on either side. With this in mind, we present the following scene, overheard in the aisle of Muirend Sainsbury’s.

Four-year-old girl: Mummy, I need the toilet!

Mother: You’ll have to wait until we get home.

Four-year-old girl: But mum!

Mother: Can’t you wait til I’ve at least paid for the messages and…

Four-year-old girl’s bottom: Phhhrrrp!

At which point the mother, sensing things had been brought to a head (or a bottom), grabs her daughter’s hand, leaves the shopping trolley to its own devices, and races to find the nearest WC. The moral of this little drama? Words may win an argument. But the blast of a trumpet is always a call to action.

Dead silly question

MORE fun with funerals. Reader Brian Chrystal’s late father once spotted a very lengthy funeral cortege making its way through Glasgow city centre. Understandably impressed, he was curious to know what fine, upstanding pillar of the local community was sufficiently important for such a terrific turnout. "Who is it that's dead?" he asked a bystander. In reply he received the scornful retort: "The boy in the first caur. Who did ye think?"

Browned-off wife

WE now bring you a true tale of a fake tan. A married couple, who are friends of reader David Kirkwood, had fallen out with each other and were walking down the road in sullen silence. After studying his wife’s pins for a while, the husband called a halt to the communication embargo. "What have you done to your legs?" he enquired. To which she sniffed: "If you must know, I’ve put fake tan on them, to be ready for our holiday in Lanzarote." Reflecting on the haphazard application of the cream, hubby responded: "Well, one leg seems to have gone to Barbados while the other stayed in Broughty Ferry." There were hoots of laughter from the wife at this point, and a truce was declared.

Spot the illness

WHEN reader Jean Rudden was ill recently she was visited by her thoughtful niece. During a lull in the bedside conversation the niece enquired: “Do you have Spotify?” The youngster was referring to the music app, of course. Though her out-of-touch auntie (who admits she’s still getting to grips with the pencil as a cutting-edge device in the communications revolution) had no idea what her niece was talking about. Jean innocently assumed the inquiry was about her ailing health, and so responded: “No, I don’t have spotify. Though it does itch a bit.”

Relatively speaking

JOKE time. Bob Parker asks what’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Answer: Outlaws are wanted.

Read more: Nina Simone in Glasgow, 1990