IF you have ever worked in customer service and not, at some point, wanted to scream yourself sick or punch a customer in the face then you are a saint or a liar.
I'd bet my hat on the latter.
Working with the great British public is a daunting task of Herculean proportions, often worst when involving the middle classes who feel entitled to subservience and will deploy patronising sarcasm when merely to be shouted at would be infinitely preferable.
Honestly, I'd rather take the guy who routinely pissed down the stairs in the branch of the coffee shop I worked in than deal with anyone from Milngavie.
The one saving grace of it all is that any interactions were limited in visibility to a select group of people.
There would either be a few other customers present or a few fellow staff members and you'd hope to smooth things over with as little fuss as possible.
Imagine, then, having to deal with the great British public's complaints in real time, on the internet, in front of 222,000 Twitter followers and all the rest of the internet-dwelling community.
The 222,000 figure is not plucked from the air. It's the number of followers of the ScotRail Twitter account, which played host this week to a stooshie of snort-worthy proportions.
One of the social media bodies who mans the barricades at the rail company's Twitter account had clearly had some kind of truth-telling elixir slipped into his tea. Either that or he'd just decided enough was enough and he was going to give passengers a dose of what for.
The Twitter account warns customers of their own behaviour with the words: "Don't use offensive language, you won't get a reply" but doesn't give any such promise to customers of the quality of response.
The various ScotRail Twitter folks identify themselves by their initials. Except Angus, whose replies suggest he might, actually, be a saint.
This one, MF, was having a bad day at the office.
Customer Fraser asked: "Is it a major issue buying on trains?" MF replied: "Is it a major issue buying from the ticket machine or booking offices before getting on the train, Fraser?". Ooh, tart.
Customer Josh, having not learned from Fraser's experience, waded in: "Yes, but what if there is no one at the booth?"
MF was having none of it. "I'm not going to discuss "what if's" with you, Josh," he typed back.
Rising to the challenge, another customer issued a glancing blow. "I suggest you get another job, MF, 'cause you’re absolutely sh*te at this one."
What a smorgasbord of emotions: respect to a man not afraid to let the terms and conditions of his employment contract stand in the way of his frustrations; laughter, despite the fact you're likely watching the decimation of someone's job prospects; and irritation at the dismissal of customer concerns when, let's face it, this country's transport systems leave much to be desired.
The catalyst for it all had been an advert telling ScotRail passengers the company is cracking down. "Buy Before You Board," the initial Tweet read, "Travelling without buying a ticket is fare evasion. We’re clamping down."
Those complaining were quite right. It's sometimes impossible, given long queues and circumstances beyond your control, to buy a ticket at the station. It's reasonable to expect you won't be punished for being a law abiding railway user and telling customers they likely will be punished is pretty abysmal customer service.
Speaking of public service letting down those it is there to serve, Twitter had a second, far more major stooshie, this week when the Conservative Party's Twitter account, CCHQ, decided it would change its Twitter name and photograph during the ITV leader's debate between Jeremy Corbyn and Boris Johnson to pretend to be an impartial fact checking service, FactCheckUK.
Prefixing statements with the word FACT, the account then promoted pro-Tory statements. Twitter has said that if the party tries such an impersonation again it will take action.
It was interesting to see Dominic Raab entirely contradict himself over the Tory party's bonkers debate night gamble. "I knock on doors every day," the Secretary of State said. "No one gives a toss about the social media cut and thrust."
He then said it was important that his party has "an instant rebuttal" to what Mr Corbyn was saying with social media being the best way of doing that. Which is it, toss-worthy or not?
Shortly after this disgraceful impersonation of a straight, fact-based service, the CCHQ account was tweeting jokes about getting Brexit done for Christmas and sharing irreverent GIFs of Jeremy Corbyn.
ScotRail, a national service that also should be keeping it straight, has a tendency to banter with its customers. Some of it is lovely - praising nicely taken photographs of morning commutes or trying to reunite lost teddies with their owners.
There's a fine tightrope in customer service and customer relations, between professionalism and being over pally.
There's also a fine tightrope in public life between irreverence and insult. Of course, not long after Emily Maitlis demolished Prince Andrew on BBC Newsnight, internet memes mocking the royal sprung up. While memes are one of the great glories of the internet, where sits the line between undercutting Andrew by making a mockery for him and respecting Jeffrey Epstein's victims?
Back to politics and the Lib Dem's press office was outdoing itself in its bid to make a mockery of the Labour party and to dispute Dominic Raab's assertion. The Lib Dem Press Office's Twitter account precis states "Because the next election will clearly be won on Twitter."
It also boasts of its Twitter account having been labelled "The Most Entertaining Thing In British Politics". Yesterday it posted a video with the words "EXCLUSIVE: Backstage footage from Labour’s manifesto launch" parodying Mr Corbyn as a creepy, bumbling puppet in a mariner's cap and camouflage jacket.
It feels at times as though the folks in positions of responsibility have forgotten how to give weight to weighty things. Instead, there's an overemphasis on banter in place of genuine rapport building. Not humour - banter, which is a less intellectually stimulating thing, a cheaper and easier thing. A poor man's satire.
In a bid to be best with the internet lols, there's a risk of overlooking who is being made fun of and why. Whether your target is customers or rival political parties, you're performing a public service. Don't be so busy bantering you forget what you're there for.
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