What the Dickens

ACTRESS Nicola Roy gave audiences more than they bargained for during a performance of An Edinburgh Christmas Carol at the city’s Lyceum Theatre. “It’s not every day the top half of your costume flies open in front of 600 kids, or at least I hope it’s not,” blushes Nicola, before adding: “Thank goodness I had a vest on.” The Diary regrets that Nicola’s modesty wasn’t covered by another type of undergarment. Though only because we would have liked to end this piece with the faintly Dickensian phrase… Bra humbug.

Cheesy Crimbo

CHRISTMAS. For too many retailers it’s an excuse to trade in tacky tat. A particular source of disappointment is the number of advent calendars for sale which aren’t in the least bit spiritual. Egregious examples include calendars containing condoms, bottles of beer and sex toys. Reader Brian Johnston, however, has a more uplifting story to tell. While browsing in a local supermarket he spotted two different advent calendars. Both contained small portions of cheese. “No one, surely, can object to them,” says Brian. “After all, every time you open a door, you'll be thinking about the baby cheeses.”

Tortured teen

THOUGH only 14 years old, reader Kenny Murphy’s son is already having intimations of mortality. Lad said to dad: “I used to be very young, but now I’m just young.” The depressed and rapidly ageing youth added: “It feels like I’ve no longer got a buffer zone between me and old age.”

This be the verse

IT’S been an entire day since we mentioned Prince Andrew, an omission we intend to rectify immediately. In nursery rhyme form. Reader Simon Paterson wonders how many readers recall Spike Milligan’s take on the ditty The Grand Old Duke of York. He reminds us that the final verse goes: “And when they were up, they were up. And when they were down, they were down. And when they were only half way up… that’s when he got arrested.” To be clear, we’re not sure how this connects to the present Duke of York. Though wasn’t Spike a rare talent? So ahead of his time…

Scheming cobbler

OUR recent story about Bearsden folk who were less than amused to have their residential area described in unflattering terms reminds reader Foster Evans of a mate who used to be a cobbler in Renfrew. When writing down the address of customers in leafy Dean Park this cheeky chap wound up locals by putting “the scheme” after their street name. Apparently it worked a treat, though hopefully they continued to employ his services. It would have been terrible if this comically-minded cobbler had been given the boot for being a bit of a heel.

Last word

Scrabble Reader Richard Thomas tells us that while playing Scrabble he accidentally swallowed some little plastic tiles. “My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster,” he winces.

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