The chips are down

THE workplace: once it was a place of horror, of discipline, humiliation and daily beatings. Today, all that has changed, and folk skip to their workplaces with a song in their heart and joy beaming from every orifice.

Admittedly, I write with an unfathomable degree of ignorance, as my workplace is ma hoose and I haven’t laboured in an office for years. But I like to imagine people are happier there, with all the human solidarity and merry banter, even if they cannot go out at any time and stand among the trees or feed the birds, as I do when my brain gets tired from too many words jostling for expression.

I express myself thus in the wake of two peculiar news stories that caught my eye this week. They relate to the idea that employers care about the welfare of their workers. They look after them.

The controversial BBC, a broadcasting organisation, was the first employer to hit the headlines, after the corporation allegedly initiated a “six-chip” rule in its canteen. Kitchen staff at Broadcasting House were witnessed counting out the comestibles to ensure nobody got more than their quota.

Presumably, the sinister corporation had staff welfare in mind. Many people today are blobs, which is bad for the health (though my theory is that blobulism is caused by crisps; obese people in supermarkets can often be seen buying multi-packs of these, and they get upset when you try to take them off them for their own good).

Although the BBC decried the six-chip rule as fake news, with its press office sharing a picture of a plate containing 10 chips, employees took to Twitter to confirm six chips was the case. One said there was “uproar” about it. Another called for a popular uprising. Another said: “The staff seemed shocked that I didn’t go with the unlimited couscous instead.”

My researchers tell me couscous consists of steamed balls of semolina, which I can hardly believe.

To make matters worse, employees in Salford, in England’s north, boasted that they were allowed 15 chips, presumably as a sop to local sensitivities.

Further north, meanwhile, I could hardly believe my ears when I read a story about office workers in Edinburgh getting a self-service alcohol area. I rarely use my ears to read, and thought they might have been mistaken but, no, there it was was in black and, arguably, white: councillors had approved a plan by We Work Community Workspace for a sixth-floor area dedicated to bibulous relaxation.

We Work seems to be a provider of office space rather than an employer as such but, still, it clearly has the welfare of workers in mind.

Mind you, the daily four-drink limit here would put topers over the Government’s allowable weekly units. Not that I want to sound censorious. My doctor has said with regard to my weekly units: “Let’s take it gradually and, as a first step, try to get it down to double figures.”

It’s just that I’m surprised. Every day, we’re told booze is bad and drinkers will burn in hell. But perhaps these Edinburgh pioneers believe the odd tipple can be good for morale, as well as acting as an aid to sleep after lunch. Truth to tell, I never drink when working, preferring to wait until I’m finished at around 2pm.

In the meantime, is it possible that employers and office providers have gone too far in pandering to our desires? Should daily beatings be re-introduced? Should the workplace once more become a place of humiliation and discipline? I believe so. But, then, it doesn’t affect me.

Going green

PERHAPS, if employers really care about their staff, they will introduce the latest healthy condiment in their canteens … Brussels sprout ketchup.

The £3 bottles, spearheaded by online retailer Amazon, are described as a “particularly welcome addition” to the dining table, perhaps with particular applications to sandwiches and dips. Thank heavens, no one has mentioned it in relation to chips because the BBC would probably smear it on their staff’s half-dozen for the good of their health.

The product is being launched on Monday with the aim of spoiling people’s Christmas. However, an Amazon spokesman insisted: “We’re sure that this delicious ketchup will change the minds of some of the humble sprout’s harsher critics.”

Yes, dream on, mate. One of many odd aspects to this dangerous development is that, like most decent ratepayers, when forced to eat sprouts, I drown them in broon sauce. Surely, we would not be expected to splodge sprout sauce on our sprouts to make them vaguely edible?

To be fair, the new concoction is blended with cloves, nutmeg and cinnamon to disguise the disgraceful taste, but even just knowing that the evil little brassica is in there somewhere will put off many discerning diners.

Presents and incorrect

CHRISTMAS news, and an announcement that Satan – if I have the name right – will be too busy to come doon the chimney this year has sparked consternation among the lieges of a small Nottinghamshire town.

The announcement was made by Mayor Christine Jeffreys, who warned children that the shadowy figures they might see bearing presents in the middle of the night will probably be their parents.

The intelligence was conveyed to the peasantry at a ceremony in West Bridgford to switch on the Christmas lights. Needless to say, a hullabaloo ensued. People booed and Mrs Jeffreys was called “a Grinch”.

Reading between the lines, though, one feels sorry for the hapless mayor. She was merely making up a well-meaning explanation to children who might see their folks delivering the goods and conclude that Santa – got it; my apologies – Claus didn’t exist.

Her whole point, I believe, was to show that he did, as science has proved. It was just that he was awful busy, with hundreds of millions of hooses to cover in just a few hours.

Mrs Jeffreys has been left “absolutely devastated” by the outcry, and is expected to come out of hiding some time in the middle of next year.