Acting up

IT will be a relief to many that the relentless electioneering has been brought to a halt by the full stop of the ballot box – though the Diary will miss hearing from all those soap actors, comedians, reality TV stars and panto regulars who have generously given of their vast reserves of wisdom by advising the great unwashed how to vote. Reader Susan Macfarlane hasn’t been so impressed by their self-promoting act… sorry, we mean selfless act. She says: “Whenever I’m on social media, all I read are the following type of posts: ‘Hi. I’m [insert name of saint-like celebrity here]. I’m here to tell you that who I vote for clearly reveals what a wonderful person I am. I don’t have a problem with how you vote. Although if you support a different party from the one I do, it does mean you’re evil and thick as mince. Thanks for reading and do bring the whole family to see me as Buttons this year. Ciao!’”


THE Diary views itself as a modern version of those 18th century coffee houses where cultural and philosophical debate were generated and the Age of Enlightenment was born. (Although we only provide words on paper. If you’re after a swig of java, you’ll have to break open a jar of Maxwell House yourselves.) To bolster our intellectual credentials we recently published a philosophical joke, though as reader David Donaldson points out, it won’t be to every reader’s taste. He adds: “Some folk will get it and others just Kant.”

Wardrobe witticism

OUR recent mention of the magical kingdom of Narnia reminds Barrie Crawford of a joke his daughter told him: “What was the Lion doing in the Wardrobe with the Witch?” he asks. Our journalistic antenna’s on full alert, and we await with baited breath the answer. (Hopefully packed with salacious detail and photographic evidence.) Alas, Barry spoils our dreams of bagging an award-winning scoop when he provides the following reply: “It’s Narnia your business.”

Acronym antics (again)

OF late we’ve been devising improved versions of standard abbreviations, which we fervently hope will be adopted by the population at large. Russell Smith tells us that a SAGA holiday brochure would be more accurate if the letters stood for: Sexual Advances Gratefully Accepted. Alternative versions that work equally well include: Send A Granny Away, or perhaps: Sex Annually, Generally August.

Helping at Christmas

THE election hasn’t always brought out the finest human qualities. Though some thoughtful people are still around. Robert Cooper gets in touch to say: “If there are any Diary readers who know of lonely people who’ll be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can you contact me.” He adds: “I need to borrow some chairs.”

Safe space

COMEDIAN Paul McDaniel reveals that when he was at school all his friends liked safes. “But I just couldn’t get into them at all,” he adds.

Read more: The Duke of Wellington statue, 1950 and 1959 (NB: no cone)