Small beer

ON receiving an email from ScotRail regarding timetable changes, reader Alistair Moss was less than amused. “To help improve overall performance,” states the message, “the 16.33 from Glasgow Queen Street to Stirling service will have fewer carriages, meaning it will be busier than normal.” The Diary, like Alistair, is intrigued by this previously unknown definition of the word "improve". We look forward to it being adapted for use in other industries. The brewery trade, perhaps. Leading to the following sort of statement: “To help improve the overall enjoyment of your pint, we only filled half your glass with beer. Cheers!”

Let there be light

RADIO broadcaster and TV presenter Jenni Falconer has revealed she’s bidding farewell to the Heart Radio early morning shift, where for the last six years she’s kept listeners awake from 4 until 6.30am. The Diary admits it’s never experienced the world at this time of day, though we’re sure Jenni will miss much about her old routine, such as sharing the early morning bus to work with local vampires returning home from a night of feverish blood-sucking. But the real question is how will Jenni deal with having to interact with daylight once again? Having been raised in Glasgow, we imagine she isn’t that well acquainted with the shimmering rays of the sun…

Dissolving dosh

ANOTHER alternative acronym for SAGA, the company that organises holidays for the more mature traveller. Christine Brooks argues that surely it must stand for: Squander All the Grandchildren’s Assets.

Door to dismay

AS an apprentice electrician in the 1960s, reader Euan Kerr’s perky and youthful optimism took a dent when he was told that when one door shuts, another two slam in your face. A depressing state of affairs, if true. Though it could be worse. The door you really have to dodge is the one that slams in your fingers. (Ouch.)

Loki still lefty?

THE Diary is curious to know if the hyperventilating political discourse on social media is abating after the election. For answer, we note that Darren McGarvey (the rapper and social commentator who goes by the stage name Loki) is still very excitable on Twitter, where he writes: “Comrades, I know how hard it can be to change your mind. To confront a difficult truth. Believe me, I understand…” So has Darren shifted his allegiance from agitating for left wing causes to adoring Boris? Not quite. “I always thought Michael Bublé was a p***k,” he explains. “Then I saw him on Graham Norton and he was so nice. It was difficult to accept.”

Button down

TO prove that political fervour has indeed died down, comedian Paul McDaniel says: “Now the election’s over, please tell me. Why is the chocolate in chocolate coins always so sh*t?” Normal service, it seems, has been resumed.

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