Explosive conversation

YOU can nosey-in on the most fascinating conversations at indoor bowling clubs, as reader Jim Morrison can testify. Said one member he overheard to another: “That defibrillator we bought last year has been a waste of money. It’s never been used once.” To which the other fellow countered: “That’s like saying these atomic bombs doon the Clyde are a waste of money as they huvnae been used either.” A genuine slice of native wit and wisdom, or were they just talking bowls? You decide.

Driven to distraction

TRAVELLING in a taxi in Vermont recently, Harry Clarke was asked by his driver to explain the meaning of Brexit. After a few miles, both men realised Harry had failed to explain this most tangled, tortured and topsy-turvy of topics. The driver went on to ask the same question about Scottish Independence. A few miles further on, and Harry and his new pal were no clearer on this subject either. The driver thus concluded that Scotland needed a hero to resolve such complex issues. Which was fine by Harry, though he was bamboozled by the man’s suggestion that the star of the Die Hard movies was the man to solve both problems. Only later did he realise the cabbie was proposing Bruce Wallace as the nation’s saviour.

Young not so young

RIVER CITY bad boy Jordan Young is in a contemplative mood now he’s starring in Goldilocks and the Three Bears at Edinburgh’s King’s Theatre. “You work with really trendy young dancers who look cool wearing things like dungarees,” he sighs, then adds with a wistful twist of hope: “It makes a middle-aged Fifer wonder if he could wear the same.”

In the drink

FANTASY author Kirsty Logan is having a little trouble with the real world. “Picked up a coffee cup and water glass, both half full, with one hand,” she says. “Absent-mindlessly drank the coffee and threw the water in my own face.” Kirsty adds, less than persuasively. “Yes, thank you. I am a functional adult. All fine here.”

Banner idea

OUR readers are a charitable bunch, always concerned about the welfare of society’s most deprived. Dougie Jardine, for instance, is fearful for the future of those folk who parade round Westminster waving Pro and Anti Brexit banners. What’s to become of them now the break from Europe seems certain to go ahead? Will they end up on the endangered species list, with David Attenborough making a heartfelt BBC documentary about them as they fade into extinction? Not with Dougie on the case. He says we should bus them up to Scotland where they can flounce around waving brand-new banners outside the Scottish Parliament. Pro and Anti Indy Ref 2. That’s bound to keep them happy for a while.

Sofa, so bad

READER Richard Morrison tells us someone broke into his house and stole 20 per cent of his couch. “Ouch,” he adds.

Read more: Alistair Cooke in Glasgow, 1967 and 1990