Chocs away

IT’S the most wonderful time of the year, sang Andy Williams. It’s not, though. In truth, the festive period is a time when diabolical fiends terrorise one and all. Earlier in the week we discussed those unseemly seasonal visitors to our homes who dump used After Eight wrappers back in the box. Now actor Joe McFadden has revealed it isn’t just an After Eight problem. “I’m forgiving of most things,” he says. “Except the people who eat Quality Street and think it’s a good idea to put the wrapper back in the box.” Perhaps such outrageous behaviour provides an explanation why today’s called Boxing Day. It’s when we get to box the ears of all those "wrapscallions" who have no understanding of proper sweetie scoffing etiquette.

Too far, by far

THE Diary has been having an unseemly amount of fun recently devising new and improved acronyms for SAGA, the travel company for voyagers of the varicose vein variety. But perhaps we’ve pushed things too far with our heartless brand of humour. That’s certainly the opinion of reader Jack Wright, who tells us that SAGA should stand for Seniors Against Gratuitous Ageism.

Baileys ballyhoo

COMEDIAN Joe Heenan knows how to enjoy himself in the period leading up to New Year, as he reveals in the following little vignette…

The rest of the year: "Do you want a Baileys?"

Joe: **** off! What am I, 12?

Christmas time: "Do you want a Baileys?"

Joe: Pour it over my Rice Krispies and leave the bottle.”

Dairy me

JOE may be downing the hard stuff. (Or the hardish stuff, as the Diary calls Baileys.) But fellow comedian Ashley Storrie reveals she doesn’t need booze to feel bad. “You know how everyone’s taking full advantage of their Christmas time off by getting p***ed, knowing it’ll result in a killer hangover?” she says. “Well, I’m doing the exact same thing… with dairy.” Clutching her head and wincing pathetically, she adds: “Tanned a whole bottle of strawberry milk yesterday, and I’m paying for it today.”

Marvellous Tennant

DIRECTOR Martin Scorsese recently criticised Marvel superhero movies, arguing they’re too flash and fickle to be viewed as proper films. David Tennant begs to differ. “I love Marvel movies!” he squeals in his usual exuberant manner, adding: “I queue up to see each new one as it comes out.” We’re interested to learn David enjoys Marvel flicks, but what really fascinates us is discovering he’s willing to stand in a cinema line as though he’s a mere mortal. Surely he could push past the hoi polloi whilst bellowing in a commanding voice: “Out of the way shmucks. Ex-Doctor Who coming through!”

Read more: Santa Claus comes to town, 1956 and 1967