Dead drunk

AND so we stagger into another decade, the Roaring 20s Part II. Hopefully this time round we can dodge Prohibition and silent movies, though it would be fun to have a go at learning the Charleston. The beginning of a new year is when we mutter our resolutions, which usually involve avoiding mistakes made in the past 12 months. Selfishly, The Diary hopes most mistakes are not avoided but magnified. Regretted activity is what we love to explore most, as the following classic tales from our vaults make clear. For instance, there was the Govan primary-school pupil who once wrote in his jotter: “Emperor Hirohito had a very big funeral. It took 50 men to carry the beer.”

Pizza pie squared

SOMETIMES it’s a mistake to leave school without qualifications, which could prove useful in later life. For instance, there was the man overheard in a Maybole pizza parlour who clearly hadn’t got to grips with fractions. “Do you want it cut in four sections or eight?” asked the guy behind the counter. Came the reply: “Better make it four. I don’t think I could manage eight.”


THERE was a lady who used to visit a young offenders’ institution every Sunday morning, to give Bible classes to the captive audience. On one visit she returned to her car to discover she had made a big mistake by locking her keys inside the vehicle. She asked if she could phone her husband who would bring a spare set. The warden replied that there were plenty of people around who could get into her car, no bother. He proceeded to ask which inmates were in, “for doing cars”. A youth volunteered, and was taken out to the car and asked to use his skills to gain entry to the vehicle. The youth appeared rather bemused, but obliged by launching a brick through the windscreen.

New job? No sweat

THE personnel section of a Govan firm organised a series of interviews for junior clerical posts. The personnel officer was none too hopeful, having spent two days wading through application forms which listed hobbies such as ‘walking my pit-bull’ and ‘playing darts’. These, incidentally, from the female applicants. “Wheel the first one in,” ordained the personnel officer. A hopeful young lady entered the room, keen to make a good impression, and trying to be as outgoing and chatty as possible. Pulling at her blouse, where sweat was plastering it to her body, she ventured the meteorological comment: “Soafy clammy!”

“Come in, Miss Clammy. Take a seat,” said the personnel officer.

Having a beef

IT can be a big mistake to get snooty with a feisty Scottish waitress. A somewhat imperious lady was once seated at the top table of a swanky company dinner, where she was going through the fixed menu, item by item, with the waitress. “And is the beef on the bone?” she enquired, with more than a touch of the Lady Bracknells. “Aye,” responded the young waitress with an impatient toss of her head, “else coos would look like jellyfish.”

Black(smith) humour

WE end with a daft joke from reader Tim Bowden who admits to making a big mistake recently. “I knew I shouldn’t have taken my dog to the blacksmith,” sighs Tim. “As soon as we got there, he made a bolt for the door.”