Megxit madness?

AND so Harry and Meghan have waved bye-bye to Buck House, and are now marching bravely into a life of independence, which will no doubt be similar to the subsistence existence of most ordinary folk. Admittedly H&M will have a few little extras not available to lowly commoners. Butlers and maids to bustle round the house. A crack security team. Millions of pounds in the joint bank account. Even so, many Royal observers fear the couple have acted in haste. The Diary shares these concerns, backed up by examples from our vault of classic stories where people behaved recklessly. Such as the woman who, without thinking, said she was not in the phone book, but was instead "hysterectomy".

Orange disorder

WE recall a scene in a Glasgow park on the day of the big Orange walk, when a policeman very nearly acted in haste. A chap heavily laden with a suitcase approached this cop and asked if it would be in order for him to set up a small bookstall. The policeman couldn’t think of any objections but asked the chap what he would be selling. It turned out to be a book on King William, the very hero of the Orange Order types who had taken over the park for the purpose of celebrating the Battle of the Boyne. That will be of great interest to the lieges, the PC observed. “Yes,” agreed the author and publisher. “It’s the true story of King William. Did you know he didn’t have a white horse and was actually a bit of a feartie when it came to the fighting business…?” On police advice, the bookstall was not set up.

Mind your language

CHILDREN often act in haste without too much in the way of thought, especially when they’re in school. In a certain classroom the little ‘uns had been told to search the dictionary for an interesting word around which to construct a sentence. One of the gems produced was: “My trousers are yearn for me.” The puzzled teacher asked for an explanation. The child opened the dictionary at the appropriate place and said: “There you are, miss. Yearn… to long for.”

Identity? Idiot

A LIFE of crime can lead to many reckless mistakes. We recall a scene in a Glasgow police station where an identification parade was underway. The six young men, including the suspect, were asked in turn to speak the words: “Just give me the money and shut up.” They did so with the exception of one (guess who?), who blurted out: “On the advice of my solicitor, I have nothing to say.”

Brought to book

LIBRARIES are meant to be thoughtful places, although sometimes those who work in them act far too hastily when it comes to providing the public with useful information. For instance, there was once a sign in an East Kilbride library informing the browsers: “These books may be borrowed.”

Nun too bright

NOEL Coward’s witty and sophisticated play Cavalcade played at the Citizens Theatre a few years back. The audience, for the most part, was appreciative, though staff were surprised when three nuns with 15 children in tow arrived to watch the show. Discreet inquiries discovered they thought they had booked for a resurrection of that old STV show, Glen Michael’s Cavalcade.