ALAS, the year is not yet a fortnight old and already I've seen enough of Dominic Cummings. Quite literally. When the chief special adviser to Prime Minister Boris Johnson sauntered into 10 Downing Street last week, he cut his usual sartorial hellmash of a figure.

Swigging coffee, his shirt untucked and louchely spilling out of his trousers like the torn sail on a foundering ship, it was almost painful to watch. Then, as Cummings pivoted on heel to hop up the steps and through the famed black door, there came the worst part: a sliver of exposed buttock.

Despite the apparent presence of a belt, his jeans were a dead ringer for the ultra-low-rise denims that socialite Paris Hilton favoured in the early noughties, an era when pixelating her bum crack was practically a full-time job for the post-production team on reality series The Simple Life.

Thankfully, in Cummings' case, the flapping shirt spared us the worst of this retina-searing visual. But the intent was there. Make no mistake about it. This is psychological warfare.

It's a distraction tactic. Sleight of hand. While we're trying to mentally block out shudder-inducing images of his peekaboo posterior, Cummings is busily playing Malcolm Tucker in his own souped-up version of The Thick of It.

As the adage goes: dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Which makes me think that Cummings is angling to be cast as Creation Records founder Alan McGee in the forthcoming biopic about the man who discovered Oasis.

Stand down, Dom. Ewen Bremner has already nabbed that role. Although casting agents for the big-budget Lord of the Rings television series may still be looking for extras to play Orcs, if you fancy it?

In other news, a recruitment drive by Cummings seeking "super-talented weirdos", "misfits" and "true wild cards" would appear to be going well. Already Uri Geller has thrown his hat – or should that be CV? – into the ring.

The self-proclaimed psychic is said to have penned an application letter which reads: "You say you want someone on the 'frontiers of the science of prediction'? Well look no further. I have genuine psychic powers – just ask Mossad, the CIA and the Pentagon."

Cummings will need to be quick to snap him up, though. This isn't the only job that Geller has put himself forward for in recent days. He has also extended his services to Israel when they face Scotland in the Euro 2020 play-off semi-final at Hampden in March.

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According to Geller, fans in his native Israel have "begged" him to end Scotland's qualification dream for a second time. The spoon-bending illusionist has long claimed that when the side played England at Euro 96, he used his psychic abilities to move the ball as Gary McAllister took a penalty.

Perhaps Geller can use his powers to keep Cummings' breeks snugly at waist level?

More gobbledy Goop

GWYNETH Paltrow has a new TV series heading for Netflix. The Goop Lab, which centres on her business empire of the same name, comes with a somewhat ambiguous tagline: reach new depths.

New depths of what, exactly? Despair? Nonsense? Ridicule? The promotional poster shows Paltrow standing inside a pink tunnel bedecked with onion-like layers.

Given the actress-turned-lifestyle guru has previously hawked a slew of vagina-obsessed gimmicks, such as jade eggs and steam-cleaning potions, you don't need to be Freud to figure that one out.

The pseudoscience babble billed in the trailer includes exorcism, psychedelics, orgasm workshops, cosmetic acupuncture, energy healing and psychics, as Paltrow intones: "We're here one time. One life. How can we really milk the s*** out of this?"

By which, I presume, she means the cash cow that is fools and their money?

Frozen out

IF you fancy visiting the supposed real-life Arendelle from the hit Disney film Frozen, please don't bother. That's the message from the mayor of Hallstatt in Austria which is bursting at the seams with tourists.

A decade ago, the tiny alpine village welcomed around 100 visitors a day. Then rumours spread it was the inspiration for the magical kingdom of Arendelle. It now sees up to 10,000 traipsing through on a daily basis which, given the population is only 778, is becoming something of a nightmare.

The locals say they feel overrun and it's akin to living in a theme park. Prices have rocketed. Litter abounds. Marauding hordes taking selfies fill the streets. One woman reported waking up to find Chinese tourists in her bedroom (they had let themselves in to use the toilet).

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With the release of Frozen 2 in November – now the highest-grossing animated film of all time –residents fear an even bigger influx could be heading their way.

Leave these poor people in peace. Or as Elsa would say: Let It Go.