Dash of whisky

IF only the road to wisdom was a motorway, leading a person directly to their destination, no fuss, no fidget. Alas, it’s more of a meandering country road on a fogbound evening, when your sat nav’s on the blink. As Ron Fretwell discovered to his cost. Some years ago he was working in a pub when a bloke strolled in and asked for a hauf and a hauf. (For the teetotallers amongst you, that’s a two-course meal of the liquid variety, consisting of a beer and whisky chaser.) Ron poured the whisky, placed it on the bar, then turned round to focus on pulling the pint. When he turned back his customer was gone. And so was the whisky. A salutary lesson was learned that day. Take the money before pouring the booze. Otherwise a hauf and a hauf is likely to turn into a hauf and he’s off.

Sh*t happens

PLAYING the part of Isa in Still Game, actress Jane McCarry often found herself performing the role of troublemaker. An activity that has now (accidentally) spilled over into real life. “I’ve made more than one faux pas texting without my glasses on recently,” she says. “But telling my cousin that his gran’s nursing home was sh*t has to be the worst.” We should point out at this juncture that the word Jane meant to text was… shut.

Horsing around

WE continue with our run of fumbled phrases; those tangled and twisted remarks that just about make sense, in a slapdash sort of fashion. Working as an engineer, Jim McDonald from Carluke once found himself in a meeting with his boss, discussing contract quotes. One contractor had priced a job much lower than any others submitted. Jim suggested this was suspiciously generous, and it would be a risk to accept. To which Jim’s boss replied: “Never look a gift horse up the trouser leg.”

Hard to swallow

SCOTLAND has its fair share of swanky restaurants. In some you can reserve a seat at the chef’s table, located in the restaurant’s kitchen, where it’s possible to both enjoy eating the food and watching its preparation. No doubt with this in mind, reader Jim Hamilton’s wife asked him to take her to “one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.”

So he took her to Subway.

“That’s how the fight started,” muses Jim.

Read more: 007 watching the football: 1970 and 2000

Fruity comment

PUN loving Fife comedian Richard Pulsford explains that his girlfriend wants him to eat more tropical fruit. “But I’d guava not,” says Richard.

Down and out

THE father of reader Jeffrey Portis was a man of exceptional qualities. “He was the sort of guy who never went down without a fight,” says Jeffrey proudly, before adding: “That’s probably why he lost his job as a lift attendant.”