The write stuff

IT being Burns Night this evening, we would be remiss if we didn’t celebrate the bonnie, bawdy Bard of Ayrshire on this page. With that thought in mind, we’ve hunted through the Diary’s vault and discovered some classic tales which we think Rabbie would have approved of. In other words, we’ve collected a bunch of rude, crude and occasionally booze-infused yarns for your predilection. For instance, an eagle-eyed Diary reader once spotted that the author of the American edition of a book called the Illustrated Encyclopaedia of Sex was called Dr A Willy.

Tatty-bye teeth

A TALE from the Hebrides of a non-fisherman invited for a wee trip on a boat out to gather the catch from some lobster creels. The guest was feeling queasy because of the slight swell, although a recent dalliance with the drink couldn’t be ruled out as a factor.

As he was watching the lobster fishermen at work, said chap was overcome and was sick over the side, losing his false teeth in the process. This caused much hilarity among the crew, who decided to prolong the fun.

They borrowed the skipper’s false teeth and placed them in a creel as it was brought on deck. What a miracle, they explained. What a chance in a million for the sea to yield up the dentures which had been so cruelly lost. The victim of their hoax was quite amazed and put in the said false teeth. But they remained in his mouth only a few seconds. “Ach, these aren’t my teeth,” he grumbled as he pulled out the skipper’s dentures and tossed them into the sea.

Dodgy doc

LIKE Burns, Chic Murray was a genius of a very Scottish sort, whose material was sometimes a smidgen saucy. The Diary has always been a collector of his most memorable musings, such as his recollection of visiting his local GP. “Strip,” said the doctor. “Where will I hang my clothes?” asked Chic. “Just put them on top of mine,” replied the doctor.

Fruity fun

A GROUP of high-spirited nurses were given a guided tour of a Glasgow fire station where part of the tour featured a demonstration of the infrared thermal imaging camera, used to detect hot-spots in smoke-filled buildings. The firefighters thought it would be funny to heat up a few large bananas in a microwave oven and conceal them in their waterproofs shortly before the demonstration took place. One by one the nurses took a long, meaningful squint through the camera’s eye piece before silently handing it over to the next colleague in line. Needless to say, the chaps didn’t crack on about their prank, and were very soon afterwards inundated with requests for the tour to become a regular feature on the nurses’ social calendar.

A corker

WE were once told of a young lady who had a very informative nickname. Her pals called her Genie. Apparently if you pulled a cork out of a bottle she would be at your side in seconds.

Rabbie on tour

A WELL-KNOWN Scottish tenor who had attended Burns suppers in the exotic climes of Egypt informed us (perhaps facetiously) that the locals had their own name for today’s celebration – it’s known as The Feast of Ramadram.

Read more: Address to a dim sum