Small beer

IF the SNP is searching for a fresh argument why Scotland should break free from the rest of the UK, comedian Susie McCabe has the very thing.

Currently in London performing, she tells us of the horrors of English life. “I can get a pint in Dennistoun after 11pm on a Monday,” she says. “Now I’m in Soho… not a sniff for a post-gig beer.” Having made her complaint, she concludes with a Belligerent Braveheart Blast: “Independence! Now!”

(The Diary would like to add, for the sake of editorial balance, that we don’t believe England is all that bad. Although when visiting such places as Soho, we always make sure to carry a barrel of beer under each arm, in case of emergencies. The Scot on tour’s version of a packed lunch…)

Decent line

THE Diary is looking forward to Return to Y’Hup, this evening’s show celebrating the life and music of Ivor Cutler at Glasgow’s Royal Concert Hall. Cutler was probably Scotland’s greatest ever surrealist poet, pop star, artist and harmonium player. Not that there have been many others. He also had a loyal fanbase that included The Beatles and Bertrand Russell. It was while appearing in The Beatles movie Magical Mystery Tour, as bus driver Buster Bloodvessel, that Ivor delivered what surely must be one of the greatest lines in cinematic history: “I am concerned for you to enjoy yourselves within the limits of British decency.”

It certainly beats “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

Warped words

FUMBLED phrases continued. Barham Brummage from Bathgate (what a wonderfully alliterative mouthful that is) tells us that his late sister-in-law was prone to the odd instance of loopy language. On one occasion she was speaking about her new slippers which she said had: "Sympathetic leather soles."

Another time she was thrilled about her latest acquisition, a lovely new table made out of genuine "Hogmanay wood".

Snow joke

IT’S as though a bunch of cloud-lounging angels have forgotten to use their daily dose of Head & Shoulders and are now shaking dandruff from their heavenly heads onto the land below. In other words, we’ve had some snow in Scotland.

Reader Roger McLean isn’t happy about the situation. “I just don’t trust the snow,” he tells us. “After all, it lies.”

A dog’s life

BBC Scotland presenter Laura Maciver isn’t impressed with LinkedIn, the website that connects similarly skilled professionals who want to network with each other. “I just joined,” she says, “and apparently my profile matched with a dog groomer in Uddingston.” We’re guessing Laura’s big mistake was writing ‘newshound’ in her profile.

Cutting comment

A SHARP slice of humour from reader Glen Johnson, who says: “My mum always used to say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Glen adds: “Mum was a nice lady, but a terrible surgeon.”

Read more: Glasgow Subway, 1972 and 1981