Spikey gossip

CELEBS can be a superficial lot. Many of them resort to plastic surgery instead of growing old gracefully. It seems this has been the fate of computer game character turned movie star Sonic the Hedgehog. According to Ford Kiernan, at any rate, who claims he met the little fella years ago. “He looked f*** all like he does now, definitely had work done,” says Ford, who adds in a warmer tone, “Really nice, easy-going hedgehog, so good luck to him.”

Tumble rumble

OUR run of kitchen implement tales continues. Moira Campbell reveals that her new tumble dryer enacted a version of the Battle of Flodden. Though in this case it was the Battle of Flood-en.

To explain why this skirmish took place, it would be necessary to quote the chronicles written by historians of kitchen combat. As we don’t have space for that we’ll instead summarise briefly by stating that a wee red light failed to light up on Moira’s tumble dryer, resulting in a watery mess on the poor woman’s floor.

“It was a real battle to clean up,” confirms Moira, who wasn’t in possession of armour and a broadsword at the time. Though she did have a trusty mop that proved more than adequate for crushing the tumble dryer rebellion.

What the Heck

THERE’S been a fracas on social media, where an English sausage making company called Heck are getting pelters from patriotic Scots. Heck’s crime? They’ve started making square sausages which they call the Fair and Square, or the squasage. One critic of the meaty treat puts it best when she shrieks: “They’re trying to steal oor Lorne!”

For some reason, the current editor of the Diary is particularly disturbed by this form of cultural appropriation.

Heck, meanwhile, deny all allegations of theft and state that it’s a tribute sausage, created out of a deep admiration for Scotland’s sophisticated and timeless cuisine.

The Scots, however, are not backing down, with one social media warrior snorting: “I’m a vegan, and even I’m appalled.”

Toilet humour

NEWS reaches the Diary that an armed gang in Hong Kong have stolen hundreds of toilet rolls. Before we even have time to say “Tut-tut” in a serious manner, Frank Bendoris gets in touch to enquire if the police have described it as a bog-standard robbery. (The Diary would rather not make light of any form of criminality, of course. We just hope the police will soon flush out the culprits.)

Linked in

ANOTHER possible name for the proposed bridge linking Scotland and Ireland. “It surely has to be Celtic Connection,” says Brian Duffy.

Dog gone

OUR recent tale about a pooch reminds Duncan Miller of the man who bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as he got the mutt home, it made a bolt for the door.

Read more: Supermac in Scotland, 1959 and 1963