Doctor Doom

THE findings of a new study drop on our desk, and they make intriguing reading. Experts working for an organisation called TotallyMoney agree that Glasgow is the best place to live in the UK if you’re a pensioner. And how did they reach this conclusion? Apparently it’s because the city has a ready supply of GPs and bingo halls.

The Diary is curious to know if those are indeed the sum total of a pensioner’s needs and desires. And if so, would the National Health Service be improved by merging the two worthy professions of medical practitioner and bingo caller?

Although that might not be such a great idea. Doctors would probably confuse their two roles and start greeting patients with the cheery salutation: “Congratulations, your number’s up.”

Counting the cost

TALKING of numbers, we’ve published a few gags of a numerical sort recently. Some of them have also dealt with foreign languages. Such sophisticated humour is not to everyone’s taste. Bob Jamieson, for instance, gets in touch for a moan. “Would it be possible to stop the numeric French jokes?” he grumbles. “I really have had a neuf of them.”

Small beer

A RECENT anecdote about Scotland’s original stand-up comedian, Harry Lauder, reminds reader Ian Lyell of another true tale about the great man.

A local building firm had sent a squad of workers over to Lauder Ha’, Sir Harry’s home. One particularly hot day Sir Harry approached the men and offered them a beer. Of course this was welcomed. Lauder appeared shortly after with just that… a beer. To be shared between the men.

“Was meanness part of his stage persona, or completely natural?” our reader inquiries.

All that glitters

THE Diary recently poked fun at a competition grandly titled the Culinary Olympics, which took place in Germany. It seems that the last laugh goes to the competitors, as we are reliably informed by reader Wilma Park that the Scottish team returned home as silver medallists.

Now that is impressive. But do you know what would have been even more impressive, and slightly more useful? If they’d come home with silver cutlery, instead.

Addled advice

FUMBLED phrases continued. Many years ago, a chum of George F.Campbell’s father was highly critical of a mutual friend, complaining that this chap was boozing too much. Unfortunately the complainant himself was rather sozzled when he vocalised his grievance, which slightly undermined his sombre (though not sober) critique.

The fact that he had enjoyed a substantial amount of liquid refreshment may also have influenced his choice of words. "It's time Bill pulled his socks together," he slurred.

Taking the P

OUT and about recently, Russell Smith found that he needed to go to the lavatory. “There was a ‘Wet Floor’ sign in the toilet,” says Russell. “So I did.”

Read more: Bird’s-eye views of Glasgow, 1965 and 1978