Pigeon post

STROLLING round his local B&Q, John Dunlop noticed a pigeon had found itself trapped in the hardware store. At this point John could have tried to help the baffled bird find an escape route. Or at the very least inquired if it was interested in buying a power tool.

But our man, being a faithful Diary reader, knew what his true task was. He immediately contacted our desk and informed us of the situation. He then proceeded to joke about it. “He can doo it,” said John of the pigeon.

The Diary enjoyed this joke very much. Alas, the pigeon (also a dedicated Diary reader) has been in touch to say he’s not amused, and is now in consultation with his lawyers.

Fail-safe excuse

DEONTAY Wilder claims the ornate costume he wore into the ring for the boxing match with Tyson Fury contributed to his losing the fight. Rangers fan Arnold Field believes this sort of excuse may also explain the slump in fortunes of his team. “They must be wearing invisible duffel coats on the pitch,” he says.

Dog days of winter

A READER who goes by the name of Dr Idus LeTap (a pseudonym pseurely?) reminds us that yellow, amber and red are used to mark the severity of weather conditions. Dr LeTap goes on to say that he recently received a mobile phone message stating that there was a "yellow snow warning for Falkirk".

His conclusion? “There must be a lot of dogs in Falkirk, or is this the result of synchronised pet walking?”

G-love story

PUN loving comedian Iain MacDonald provides us with his latest pun-chy effort: “I fell in love with a glove,” he reveals. “You could say I was smitten.”

French faux pas

ONCE more we return to the topic of the Auld Alliance, as we puzzle over the distinctions between the Scottish and French nations. Leaving Murrayfield after a match in 2017, when Saracens beat Clermont Auvergne in the European Rugby Champions Cup, the wife of reader Russell Smith asked a spectator if he was French. The bloke clicked his heels, gallantly raised her hand to his lips, kissed it, bowed, and said: “No, dear. I’m from Woking.”

Rolled over

FUMBLED phrases continued. James Cairns recalls one of his colleagues at work complaining of always being blamed when things went wrong. This chap expressed his feelings of outrage by muttering bitterly: "I'm just the skateboard in here."

Dodging discourse

LUXURIATING in the tranquillity of a laid-back home life can be an impossible dream when you have children, as reader James Fowler discovered. “Dad!” screeched his pure dead raging daughter, “you haven’t been listening to a word I said, have you?”

“I thought that was a very peculiar way to start a conversation,” James tells us.

Read more: Duke Ellington, the ‘selfish toymaker’, 1967