Net loss

IT’S the fishing season, we are reliably informed. To celebrate this important time of the year, the Diary gang decided to attach a rusty hook to a piece of string, which we then used to drag a box of fish fingers from the murky depths of the mini-freezer we keep in the office. The box is now mounted on the wall, a glorious reminder of our team’s sporting expertise.

Fishing season also means that fishing tales from our correspondents start to flip-flop on our desk, ready to be gutted and served to the general public. For instance, a Lochwinnoch reader tells us a pal of his recently netted a large salmon. This bloke swaggered home to boast to the wife of his triumph. Unfortunately, he happened to mention that the day’s activity had been more enjoyable than sex.

To which his wife responded: “I can guarantee you that for the rest of the season it will be.”

Masking fear

WE live in a precarious era, when it would probably be best to hide under the bed for a decade or two, until all the bad stuff goes away. Unfortunately chores still need to be done, explains Jim Hamilton, who tells us he found himself in the Post Office recently when – horror of horrors – two people with masks entered.

Though when the blokes screeched “This is a robbery!” everyone calmed down.

Diagnosis, dismal

MORE medical acronyms. Margaret Thomson tells us that NFP stands for Normal For Paisley. (We’re also guessing that any disease or illness that is a chronic problem in that town could also be described as being part of a Paisley Pattern.)

Animal antics

HAVING recently reported on a competition called the Culinary Olympics, we now hear of something called the Animal Olympics. Regrettably this event will only be appearing in book form. The publisher of the work in question, which is aimed at kids, tells us it’s a playful volume showing animals participating in typical Olympic scenes.

We’ve yet to find out if Scotland’s favourite beastie, the wild haggis, is included in the sporting line up. Though we do hear that the little chap is highly skilled at the shot put. (Or at the very least, when cooked poorly, he looks and tastes like your average shot put.)

Tall tale

JUST when you thought it was safe to peruse the Diary without an English/French dictionary, we bring you the latest in our run of Franco-funny anecdotes. Reader Arthur Frame was in a busy lift being whisked up the Eiffel Tower when an American asked in a typical drawl: “How many feet?” To which the attendant replied: “Oui, c’est magnifique.”

Ringing endorsement

“WHO ever invented the knock-knock joke should get an award,” says reader Jim Winterson. And what would that award be called? “The No Bell Prize,” says Jim.

Read more: Tyrone Power in Scotland, 1956