Crustacean invasion

THE Diary likes to think of itself as a Louvre Museum on paper. A place where artistic visionaries (our readers) can express themselves without fear of rebuke from the unenlightened masses. We’re also pretty darned fond of lobsters. Which makes the following story perfect for us.

We hear that the artist Philip Colbert is returning to his alma mater, the University of St Andrews, with a lobster-based exhibition to celebrate the opening of the Uni’s Wardlaw Museum in April. The exhibition will include a giant inflatable lobster, which will be plonked triumphantly in St Salvator’s Quadrangle.

There will also be three lobster statues scattered round the library. Hearing this, we shrug dismissively and say: just three? You can never have enough lobster statues, after all. Those things are very moreish.

On a roll

ONCE more we open up our Journal of the Plague Year. The coronavirus is bad news for the entire world, of course, though the people of Scotland continue to face the threat with both humour and sanitary products. Luckily there’s plenty of humour around, though the sanitary products are now in short supply, due to panic buying. Which isn’t bad news for everybody...

“I have an unsealed four pack of Lidl toilet roll,” reveals actor Robbie Crossan, who adds: “Willing to swap for a four-bedroom bungalow in Ayrshire.”

He’ll probably get it, too.

Chit chat

WE’VE been collecting medical acronyms of late, though reader John Dunlop reminds us that jetsetting businessmen are also fond of a useful abbreviation. He recalls meeting an international executive from the long gone Warner-Lambert company who told our man that he put “DALF 50 dollars” on all his expense returns for many years. It stood for Drunk And Long Forgotten.

Incredibly, nobody every queried this chap’s cheeky chits.

Taking the biscuit

ANOTHER of those curious phrases culled from our cuckoo past. Dave Biggart was working in a biscuit factory back in 1973. Also stationed there was a recently arrived efficiency officer who had just transferred from the London branch to Tollcross. When asked for the day’s ingredient usage figures, this person would say: “Come into my office and I'll give an exact approximation.”

Which doesn’t sound like a very efficient calculation to us.

Tunnel vision

FOR a while we’ve been trying to come up with a name for the proposed bridge linking Scotland and Northern Ireland. David Donaldson has decided to think outside the box. Or outside the bridge, at any rate. “If the Scotland-Ireland link turns out to be a tunnel,” he says, “I guess it will be the Ulster Underground.”

Tough talking

“ACCORDING to my therapist,” says reader Bob Bradbury, “I have great difficulty verbalising my emotions.” He adds: “I can’t say that I’m surprised.”

Read more: Eric ‘Bomber’ Brown, 1962 and 1971