Low-down humour

WE live in a world of relentless raunchiness, with more saucy squelchery than you’d find in one of those fake plastic tomatoes that sit on Formica table tops in greasy spoon cafés.

Sometimes the sauce comes from the most surprising of sources. For instance, Robert Gardener was on a Glasgow-bound train. Sitting behind him were two very deaf and elderly ladies, discussing their health issues at great volume. Nobody was taking much notice until one of the ladies said she had acute angina. Unfortunately the way her words tumbled forth made it sound as though she was making a boast of the anatomical sort.

Cue roars of laughter from everyone else on the bus. Luckily the two elderly ladies, being deaf, were oblivious to this below the belt hilarity.

The percentage game

AT a recent job interview, reader Scott Hill filled his glass of water until it overflowed a little. “Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

“No,” said Scott. “I always give 110 percent.”


THE Diary often fields furious phone calls, or receives a jolly good lashing in letter form. Though now and again (about every 20 years, or so) we receive a word of thanks for our efforts. Howard Tracy, a Londoner based in Glasgow, proves to be one such correspondent.

Howard’s late father-in-law was Glasgow-born, and frequently used the phrase: “If it’s no’ bugs, it’s reek.” The man’s wife and two daughters were also aware of the expression.

But when Howard jokingly dropped it into a conversation in Scotland a year ago, it produced bamboozled looks all round.

Our man had assumed all Glaswegians knew and used it. Though the many locals he queried denied its existence. An internet search of Scottish vernacular proved similarly unfruitful. Then Howard came across some Diary snippets, where readers discussed the mysterious (and perhaps mystical) phrase. “I now feel strangely validated and grateful to your correspondents for having written in,” says Howard.

We assume a large cheque is now winging its way towards us in the post…

Mistaken identity

IN a philosophical mood, an old lady once said to Russell Smith from Kilbirnie: “We’re a’ Tam Johnson’s bairns.”

That Tam Johnson. He gets around a bit.

Bacterial bonanza

WE’VE been coming up with ways for news anchor Stephen Jardine to spend a royalty cheque he received recently for a grand total of 46p. Bill Lindsay from Erskine suggests he should use the money as a hire purchase deposit on a 100ml bottle of antibacterial hand gel.

“He could then pay off the balance at £1 per week, for the next three years,” adds Bill.

Moment for reflection

VIEWING houses, Steve Nesbitt was shown round a swanky gaff that had mirrors in every room, and three (three!) in the hall. “I thought to myself, I can really see myself living here,” adds Steve.

Read more: Shirley Bassey in Glasgow, 1967