Weight problem

IN these tough times, it’s good to see the SNP trying to lift people’s spirits by hawking them overpriced tat. The party yesterday started shifting a “limited edition independence paperweight” for just £39.99. The blurb is positively North Korean. It was “created by none other than the First Minister herself. It’s true!” it gushes. Aided by an actual glass maker, “with admiral dexterity the First Minister shaped the glass until she was entirely happy with the finished product... What a result!” There are 250 of the black and yellow lumps to cheer a grateful nation. Like independence, they’re even being delivered after “a slight delay”. 

No prizes

AS is traditional in Pyongyang, the glorious leader’s family also gets a mention in the sales pitch. Ms Sturgeon may have chosen the “two very familiar colours”, but it was her husband, the SNP’s chief executive, who christened it so brilliantly. “The chosen name of this stunning paperweight was agreed by Peter Murrell. His choice was, wait for it!... ‘Independence’. No prizes for guessing that!” And no prizes for the copywriter either. Still, what an inspiring backstory to contemplate as you stare into its gloomy depths while self-isolating. 

Western Miles

SNP Westminster leader Ian Blackford famously described himself as a “humble crofter” in the House of Commons. However the Edinburgh financier turned Skye MP isn’t exactly known for the simple life. One car dealership recently published a picture of the rustic poseur on its forecourt next to a £40,000-plus motor: “Warmest wishes to our loyal customer Ian, collecting his wife’s new Range Rover Velar from our Inverness showroom,” it said. To which Tory MSP Murdo Fraser replied: “That’ll be handy on the humble croft, Ian….” The picture, like Mr Blackford’s humility, has now disappeared.

Ferry rude

ALSO being catty this week was Green MSP John Finnie, who slipped a zinger into the Holyrood inquiry into the CalMac ferries fiasco as it quizzed officials from state-owned ferry firm CMAL. The MSPs had earlier heard from Monaco-based billionaire Jim McColl, whose business had owned the shipyard that tried to build the boats before going bust. Or as Mr Finnie put it slyly, “We heard from Mr McColl, who I understand is non-resident in Scotland and himself isn't a taxpayer, but he was very concerned about Scottish taxpayers' money."

Cheese operator

MEANWHILE, Nat finance minister Ben Macpherson seems to be stockpiling cheese for the coronavirus outbreak. The Leith MSP this week took to social media to boast about his latest musical purchase. “Absolutely superb!” he declared of the 4 CD box set compilation ‘Smooth Rock’. Amazon reviews of the 80-track easy listening ordeal are tellingly bland. From the thoroughly sensible “very reasonable price” to the splendidly circular “If you're a fan of this genre of music then this is a great CD for you”. Or as Ben might say, Smoooooth. 

Very revealing

DISCLOSURE Scotland bosses got a well-deserved thrashing from Holyrood’s Public Audit Committee on Thursday over a computer fiasco that went £40m over budget. MSPs were gobsmacked the quango couldn’t even publish its minutes online, far less deliver a major IT project. Also squirming was Government justice mandarin Paul Johnson. Asked if more IT disasters were coming down the track, he offered a classic civil service platitude. “I’m quite sure there will be continued learning,” he said. In other words, loads of ‘em.