Fast thinking

AS it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow, we’ve decided to buck the trend on being nice to women by focusing on feminine faux pas in this selection of classic Diary tales. We recall the lady who was caught by the polis speeding through an area signposted as an accident black spot. Unflustered, she gave the eminently reasonable excuse: “Well, you don’t want to dawdle through a danger area, do you?”

Flight of fancy

A LADY was looking after her four-year-old grandson. Said grandson spent most of the time whizzing round her house wearing earphones and pretending he was piloting an aeroplane. Swooping down in front of her, he announced that he was about to jump out his plane. “Well,” said granny, “You’ll need wings for jumping out of your aeroplane, won’t you?” The wee boy thought for a bit and agreed he’d probably need Bodyform Plus. His gran was taken aback. Bodyform Plus? “Yes, Gran,” he said. “They’ve got wings, you know.”

Phone-y phone call

GRANNY’S looking after her five-year-old grandson who’s been sent home in disgrace from school for being cheeky to the jannie. The boy’s warned by granny that: “Santa doesn’t come to bad boys.” The boy responds by sticking out his tongue. Time for stern measures. A cuff on the bonce is not politically correct, so granny goes into an elaborate number, picks up the telephone, dials a few digits at random and says: “Right, Santa, don’t bring any presents for…” and proceeds to give the wean’s name and address. Granny puts down the phone, pleased with her ploy. “I’ll just phone Santa back and tell him it’s okay,” responds the uppity bairn. “You don’t know his number,” says granny. After a moment’s thought, the wee man grabs the phone and presses the redial button.

Holy spirit

AN elderly Scots exile lady, over from the States for a holiday, was relating to friends how proud she was of her grandsons. She was also worried they were overdoing their volunteer work for the church. She explained that since her arrival they seemed to spend every evening at the mission, and often slept in the next day because of the late hours involved. No one had the heart to tell her The Mission was the name of a local pub.


A MALE reader once told us his wife phoned him at work and asked: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it with pins?” Our reader said no, this had never happened. After a pause, the wife said: “How about now?”

Balls up

FROM a local golf course in Glasgow we heard of two chaps who were waved through by two ladies halfway up the eighth fairway. The ladies proceeded to walk back to the tee. As the gents passed, they thanked the ladies for their courtesy and asked if they had lost both balls. “No,” one of them replied sheepishly. “We forgot to drive.”

High school

A READER once admitted in his student days a female janitor at his college asked him round to smoke illicit substances. He declined the proposal, explaining: “I can’t stand high maintenance women.”

Bottle cures blues

FOR a Mother’s Day present a few years ago, reader Tam Smith bought his mum a bottle of whisky. “After all, I’m the reason she drinks,” he explained.