Doon the rabbit hole

ON social media Elaine C Smith has been helping to prevent bottled-up bairns going full bampot by reading them a storybook. And not just any book. The Glasgow Gruffalo is her version of the classic tale, which she adapted from Julia Donaldson’s original. A feisty yarn, it has plenty of galas Glesga patter.

Since Elaine’s got time on her hands, we’ve decided to challenge her to translate into guttural Glaswegian some other classic children’s books.

We’d love to hear her version of Alice’s Adventures in Barrowlands, for instance…

Jail fail

REMINISCING with former colleagues recently, Sandy Tuckerman was reminded of a bloke who worked in his factory who regularly used the wrong words. Participating in a quiz, this fellow was asked how many sides made up a prism. After a few moments of contemplation he arrived at an answer. “Barlinnie has four,” he said.

C the difference?

OUR story about the strangeness of the English language encourages reader Janet Fowler to admit she struggles to sleep. “I shut my eyes, try to relax, then my brain whispers to me: ‘Hey, do you realise that every C in ‘pacific ocean’ is pronounced differently?’”

Weighed down by such mind-itching info, Janet’s invariably up all night.

Nemo no more

SOME pets are very talented. Reader Mitch Wilson boasts: “I once had a clownfish that could breakdance on the carpet.” With slightly less swagger, he adds: “But only for 10 seconds.”

Silly sausages

KEEPING up with world events, Derek Thomson notifies us that in Germany everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese. “It’s the wurst kase scenario,” he sighs.

Road to ruin

WE recently published a joke about a road, believing it was the only road-based gag in the universe. Not so. Several readers point out that more amusement can be squeezed from the topic in the shape of the following rib-tickler: A man walks into a pub carrying a chunk of tarmac and orders two beers. The barman says, “Sorry, I can’t serve your pal.”

“Don’t mess with him,” says the man. “He’s a cycle path.”

TraLaLa Land

HOORAY for Hollywood. Especially when the madcap movie town provides us with daft jokes (our favourite kind). With this in mind, reader Kate Love enquires: “What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?” After much Diary brow-furrowing, Kate puts us out of our muddle-headed misery by providing an answer: “Bing sings and Walt disnae.”

Read more: Rangers’ 1956 trip to Spain (before and after)