Bricking it

WHEN the son of Amy Kinnaird from Ochiltree was 10, he was once playing Lego with his friend, Jim, on the living-room floor. Amy gazed upon the content little chaps and decided to improve their placid demeanour by putting the frighteners on them. It just so happened that she had the very thing for doing so: a scary face mask bought on a whim at Boots. As she sat in the armchair next to the boys, wearing the horrifying thing, Jim glanced up from his Lego bricks and said: "You're gey no weel luckin', Mrs Kinnaird." He then returned to his endeavours.

Clearly they fashion their young fellows out of hardy material down Ochiltree way. Lego bricks, most likely.

Wizard idea

OUR current mission is to improve children’s literature by adding a sprinkling of Scottish sass. Bob Jamieson suggests the nation’s favourite boy wizard should contend with an enemy more dangerous than Lord Voldemort in Harry Potter and the Demon Drink.

Written by Jakey Rowling, of course.

National disgrace

CONTINUING with the kids’ fiction theme, we note that Mandy E Rush is having a virtual book launch today for her picture book for toddlers ,Who is Bullying Ewe? The Lions, The Unicorn and The Ewes. She tells us it’s about Scotland’s national animal, which is the unicorn.

The Diary rarely strays into areas of political controversy, though we do think it’s embarrassing that a proud and serious nation such as ours should have an imaginary beast as its national animal. Which is why we’re now launching a campaign to have the unicorn fired from its exalted position and replaced by the magnificent creature that is… the haggis.

Newspaper with wallop

SEARCHING for her Herald recently, reader Mary Miller asked her grandson if he’d seen it. He handed her his iPad, saying she could read the Herald online.

“That fly didn’t stand a chance,” adds Mary.

Road to ruin

WE’VE been collecting road jokes. The latest comes from Gordon Fisher of Stewarton, who explains that a lorry crashed on the M8 shedding its load of onions. Police advised motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

Touch of terror

“I’m reading a horror story in Braille,” Bob Palmerston from Paisley tells us. “Something bad is going to happen. I can just feel it.”

Taking the pee

A FORMER work colleague of reader Sandy Tuckerman was a legendary figure in the factory for invariably choosing the wrong words. On one occasion he said he wanted to shoot a mallet duck so his wife could urinate it in red wine.

Being scents-ible

IN a philosophical mood Stewart Daniels from Fife explains that common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it never use it.

Read more: Jim Clark celebrates another world title, 1965